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INTERNETPOKERS: Poker Blog
Well, it's been officially five weeks since my last blog entry, which means I owe five people an hour of coaching each (you suck Benji2813, RoughPokers, RodeoBlue, WC18, and Effneasy). PM me to redeem your coaching.
This blog post is both important and very unique, because in it I complain about losing and also convey resentment toward poker. Also, it is unnecessarily long. Nothing like it has ever been done before, so please prepare your brain for high impact novelty.
Well, since I last updated, a lot of shit has gone down – mostly me gaining back momentum, getting on a run, and then getting bludgeoned over and over. I finally was back on a roll until yesterday I played Isildur1 at 50/100 NL and 100/200 PLO, losing about 500k to him. I ran 400k under EV. I ran really, really bad. This is by far the worst losing day I’ve ever had in my life, and I’ve never felt as much shock in my body as I felt during that match. It felt like I had just gone through a car crash. It bore down on me like an enormous mental weight, my body felt weak and tired, and my mind was too cloudy to couldn’t think of anything beyond the hands I was playing. I’ve never reacted that way to poker before. These last few months have been unfriendly, but yesterday the poker gods stretched my mouth wide open and took a huge and inglorious shit straight down my gullet.
So, since I’m a wannabe pseudo-intellectual, of course I have to rationalize this series of events. Poker sucks. I can’t run good. Randomness, variance simulations, survivorship bias, the people who tell the stories about poker are the people who've run good enough to seem to be worth listening to, blah blah blah. I want to write about that shit but who cares. Fuck that, fuck me. This is what I signed up for. Of all the hundreds of thousands of grinders who have tried to climb the mountain of poker, most of them have felt this moment before. Not everybody wins at poker, and for some the mountain is insurmountable.
I feel like it’s unfair. I look at the people around me who run good, who are rewarded for their efforts, for whom the good run and bad run come in equal shares, for whom their luck gives them room to breathe and remember the direction in which they’re climbing. I resent poker for pushing upon me this bad luck, even though I know the randomness must exist. I’ve seen the simulations, I’ve read the posts, I’ve even meditated on the idea countless times to myself. I’ve always known that if poker wanted to bury me, it could bury me so deep that I could never get out. I acknowledged the God of poker, and I’ve feared it, I have loved it. But I still put in my time. I still put in the hours playing, the hours studying, the hours coaching, the hours getting coached. I’ve done my share. I have been faithful, I have loved, and I have feared. I feel like it’s unfair.
This is what I feel.
But nevertheless, here I am. Buried. Buried so deep that I’d have to be the son of fucking God himself to get unburied. So since I am here in my grave, the only true way to unbury myself is to realize that there is no such thing as a grave unless one chooses to call it a grave. Where I am now is not a grave, nor is it above ground or anything in between. Where I am is where I am, it is my moment. From here, I begin to rebuild and reformulate. This is all there is. It’s time to start over. As much as I would like to think I am buried – as much as clinging to that idea makes me feel like what I have done in my past life defines me – I am not buried. I am here, I am alive; my hands and feet are alive. So I will climb.
That’s all I’m going to write in regards to that. Writing only does so much. I need to reset my mindset and reconstruct my narrative, and although writing can make it sound definite, it doesn't make it a part of my psyche. I guess what it'll take is time and work. Since this is a pretty emotionally shitty time for me, I’m going to mention a few things in regards to my blog and some other stuff I’ve put out. For one, I think it’s about time that I acknowledge that I’m not really that committed to this blog as far as updating it every week, and as such it doesn’t make that much sense for me to keep up with this silly contest. Right now I have a lot of other concerns in my life, poker included, that maintaining this blog or thinking up novel material for it is not really a priority for me. I’m going to, at least for now, rescind this free coaching deal. It’s really always been more of a mental gadfly than a genuine motivator, so I think I need to stop pretending that this sort of thing works.
Also, the deal that I offered here and on 2p2 about shipping $200 to every person who catches me complaining is also rescinded. It was kind of the same way. It didn’t really work as a motivator, if anything it just made me more tilted from all of the people PMing me all the time in regards to it, trying to catch every little thing I said in chat.
Anyway, that’s all for now. I’m not sure when the next time I update will be, but I’ll try to make it pretty soon. But obviously right now I need to spend some time regrouping and picking up the pieces.
Until next time,
Haseeb
P.S. This post is not a busto declaration, just means no nosebleeds for a while. For a long while, probably.
P.S.S. Oh, and fuck anyone who says poker isn't a tough job.
P.S.S.S. lolbusto
Oct 24, 09 06:34:04
Good luck in the furture IP. Sure looks like youhave run into the bad side of varience and hopefully things will start to turn around for you.
Oct 24, 09 06:37:28
Haseeb, I know you're down right now but try to have a little perspective about your situation. Most poker players could only dream of making 500K in a lifetime of playing, and you lost that much in one day.
I'm sure that you could probably make 2-300K a year in your sleep while coaching and playing smaller stakes in a low variance, and stress free manner. That is more than what 99% of people in this country are making especially in this economy!
You have the freedom to do whatever you want whenever you want, and you'll never have to work a day in your life. With the skills you have you'll always be able to rebuild your roll, and when you do you'll appreciate it ten times more because of what you're going through now.
The next time you won't put your roll in jeopardy. You'll buy a beautiful house, and take your girlfriend/wife and awesome vacations. You'll realize how lucky you are, and that most poker players could only dream of having your skillset, and the ability to make as money as you do.
Good luck to you Haseeb.
Oct 24, 09 08:13:43
consider your lifetime winnings as well as your age and then really reassess the concept of "running bad". and as far as your match yesterday, it sounds like you slipped into the Tommy Angelo "fog" which makes it virtually impossible to play anything close to an A game. i'm sure you don't need to be a told that making a good quit is just as important as making a good play. good luck to you in the future, but in reallity you don't really need it.
Oct 24, 09 08:15:42
Appreciate the honest blog post. Keep your chin up man!
Oh yeah --- when will I see your private avatar?
Oct 24, 09 08:57:42
Running -400K EV? Let me just say I've followed dogishead from 'that other training site' to CR and to this day no other coach has made such strategic and insightful videos. I remember reading somewhere that you were 19-20 years old? Unbelievable. As 8+yrs your senior, you have certainly expanded my knowledge of HU play, even your seemingly random metaphors (ie: comparing poker to a ship) were just so profound that I've been a supporter the whole way. When I hear news like this, it makes me a bit weary about the game of poker, such sick sick variance; where the better player is not awarded what is owed to him (besides good ole' sklansky bucks). 500K in a day would be nothing less than a chokehold on any sane poker player, especially when that 500K was not spew, not random variance, it was simply running ICE COLD. My best of luck to you and your endeavors, whether you continue on the path with poker or not, there is certainly a beautiful mind behind the player, and don't ever corner yourself into thinking poker is your only source of livelihood, from watching your videos since your older days I'd say you are very much border-line genius and will succeed beyond just poker. Best of luck to you, keep your head up man.
Oct 24, 09 11:19:27
GL Haseeb....
I hope everything goes great on the way back up to the top.
Oct 24, 09 11:44:38
you are man now dog.. and nice avatar on fulltilt..
gl on your soon upswing.
Oct 24, 09 13:25:58
The worst part about those "shocking" losses is the loss of confidence in yourself. Obv. your confidence is shot right now but just use it as a learning experience and a month or 2 of good results at low games will regain it.. The Swede will give you action again.. But anyways I agree with what you say about the hundreds and thousands of poker players that love the game to death and just fail at it (how they relatively feel what u felt). It's unimaginative how much pain poker has caused to many ppl around the world (its literally lead to suicide). As you said, u know what u signed up for. Keep ur chin up and keep fighting. GL.
Oct 24, 09 13:52:56
I know this is not what you want to hear right now but losing 500k and running 400k below EV means you lost 100k due to straight bad play. This is the only thing you can control and only thing you should worry about. It seems pretty likely you did not have an edge in the match and even if you are a better player than him you were likely playing your C game and were actually a dog (no pun intended) in the match.
Also, you should really consider your lifetime EV in poker and not your most recent couple of months of run bad. How many people really make a million and even get a chance to play nosebleeds? It's very likely you ran hot to get to where you are and now things are just evening out a bit. If you look at a lot of other great players like Btown or theASHMAN they've gone through similar huge downswings but they've come back from them as much better players and are crushing now a days. I am sure you will be the same.
andr3w321
Oct 24, 09 14:53:24
Stop whining. Poker Gods don't hate you. In fact, they love you. They've given you the ability to make it this far in the poker world. I'm sure you've caught some timely breaks in your poker career and ran well enough over your career. Sure \$500k is a tough loss, as is \$400k below ev. This gives you the right to complain though, say how bad you run, and think the poker gods are against you? Your playing insanely high stakes with insanely high variance. Did you know know this before hand ? So you ran 20 buyins below EV in a high stakes game. It's not uncommon in PLO and HU. The stakes and money at hand are just clouding your thoughts.
You really need to look at it in perspective of self control. What happened to a stop loss ? If you ignore a stop loss in these situations, it's likely your not playing anything but your C game anyways.
Put things into perspective. Your a great talented player. Maybe your just not cut out for higher stakes if you can't handle downswings. Maybe your underrolled for the games? Maybe your over-confident? These are all just variable that could explain why your attitude is the way it is right now. You don't run worse than anyone else. You just choose to play a super high variance game at high stakes.
Pick your head up, realize how fortunate you are, and get on the grind! You have to much talent to sit around righting emo blogs about how poker hates you, etc !
Oct 24, 09 15:45:40
Don't take this too harshly but I think it's justice for your arrogant pompous pseduo-intellectual blog posts; prime candidate being that one where you spent a thousand words boastfully justifying your J High call which even a noob could see was -EV. Also the way you referred to yourself in a serious tone as an up and coming internet poker super star. And the way you smugly put peers on a tier system.
Don't get me wrong, I'm sure you're infinitely superior to me I'm just objectively making these remarks with candor in the hope it snaps you out of your sometimes cringeworthy pretentiousness. If already your crushing downswing hasn't.
Take care and good luck man.
P.S It's P.P.S
Oct 24, 09 16:05:26
I try to make it a point not to reply to comments when I can avoid it or it doesn't really create a productive discussion, but I'm tilted enough to break my own rules.
Yes, I am a pretentious ass at times sure, and I do have an ego in regards to how good I am at poker. That is no secret and it would be pretty impressive if I did not have an ego. As to whether the J high call I made and my defense of it is worthy of ridicule, I'm not really sure and I don't really care. That being said, I try to be level when I can and honest about myself and honest to others about who I am and what I'm about. Sometimes my desire to express myself intelligently gets the best of me, but trust me when I say that I do my best. I'm young, I'm learning.
TrevRob - you're right, and of course I'd be blind not to acknowledge that the fact that I have skill and the ability to make money makes my story objectively trivial - you might think, shit, the rich guy is a little less rich and will take a little longer getting richer. One thing that poker has taught me to appreciate is that framing these stories objectively can be helpful - sometimes a bit of perspective can make one's problems seem petty or insignificant, and one can essentially rationalize them away. But other times they are not, and other times the rationalization process can't overcome the fabric of reality that constructs that person's life. Poker is my livelihood, it's the thing I try the hardest at and focus the most on. When it goes poorly, I feel bad. I have different goals for myself than others, and whether or not some busto grinder in his parents' basement is making 100x less than me, when I fail I will feel like a failure. The people I talk to, the people around me, the people I subconsciously and consciously compare myself to are the same, the expectations that others have for me are the same. All I can really change are the expectations for myself. Ignoring everything else is doable, but it's not easy. These sorts of shifts are hard, and so the turmoil is justified.
Call me an ass if you will, but I do have the right to feel the way I do. But I also have the responsibility to move past what I feel. We don't perceive reality objectively, we perceive reality with respect to ourselves and our place in it.
Goddammit, there I go with the pseudo-intellectual BS again.
Oct 24, 09 16:30:44
in the end nothing is more motivating to a poker player than getting his ass handed to him; this will drive you to make much much more than it costs you long run
Oct 24, 09 19:39:21
It hurts; it feels like being thrown on an anthill & being bitten to death.
Self honesty is commendable, but being truthful is the most difficult thing of all. Truth requires us to be completely sober when we scrutinize ourselves, & the resulting benefits far outweigh those of being merely honest.
Oct 24, 09 20:16:49
Haseeb,
Your feelings are justified. You just lost over 500k. I would be upset too. I think writing about it in your blog will help you move on and be a better poker player. I love reading your feelings on poker and the swings it can take you on.
Good luck
Oct 24, 09 23:05:59
Haseeb,
The one thing you really need to remember as a result of this downswing is that you'll always be able to make it back. No matter what happens, your a skilled enough player to make the money back. Swallow your pride, move down, start grinding, and make it back.
You heads up videos are some of the best on the internet, I know without a doubt that you'll be back to the nosebleeds soon, just have faith and don't let it bother you.
gl
Oct 25, 09 00:39:45
It's clear you are beaten down emotionally right now. After you cool down I think you should try thinking about the real issues here.
It's probably a weird feeling to read comments attacking your personal nature, but hey that comes with the territory. My only comment on that is that you should really stop addressing negative statements towards you because getting defensive won't lead to any insight.
What I notice from your comment above is that you take success in poker as an indicator of your personal qualities to some degree (intelligence, diligence, etc) . If you are someone who has always been able to push through anything if you try hard enough, you probably make lots of untrue conclusions about what a loss like this means about you.
My random advice - You should try to accept that you are not entitled to success just by trying. Everyone has a limit and when you don't hit it until adulthood the fall hurts more. It's hard to accept, I know myself. Don't label your self things like "pseudo-intellectual", even if you only half believe it. Running good or bad does not correlate with character or personality, but you know that already. Lastly what are you doing sitting down with money you aren't comfortable losing? You have to have limits man.
Anyway, hope you come out of this Haseeb with some perspective. Let go of all the crap surrounding this and focus on the real issues.
Oct 25, 09 03:48:01
care to post the hands against isildur haseeb?? i know they were probably all 60/40 standard omaha situations but noone on 2+2 tracked any of them.
also this could've been avoided if you implemented a stop loss, i may be sounding like a little results oriented bitch (blah blah you could've made a comeback), but i think a stop less is the most important thing for a HU specialist. ~25 buyins is way too much to lose at HU in a day.
Oct 25, 09 15:28:09
I watched your match against Isildur and saw you lose a few flips and get coolered a few times. Why did you play such high stakes against him in such a high variance type of game, why didn't you just play him at 25/50 , or play 2-4 tables instead of 6-tabling 100/200??
Anyways, I'm sure you'll recover within the following months, hopefully you get a little run good to balance out that EV. Good luck at the tables.
Oct 25, 09 18:02:27
As big an event and impact that this has been, in the end it will only make you stronger. Keep your chin up and start grinding the lower limits and get your confidence back. You'll be fine.
Oct 25, 09 20:40:31
Building off sleepi's advice, have you thought about using this as an educational opportunity; displaying your stats and graph from the session, evaluating hands. Relating your mentality at various points of the match in relation to stop loss, playing your A game, all in EV etc. There is something to be learned from this rather than you ran bad or the poker gods don't like you.
Oct 25, 09 22:16:52
Its gonna feel that much better when you run well and CRUSH from here on out. Here's to a quick recovery
Oct 26, 09 08:49:46
who are you getting coached by?
really interested to know but its okay if you dont want to answer that
Oct 26, 09 13:18:21
haseeb, lets just go to pitch n' putt bro. it's at Riverside and S. Lamar behind Cabana and Paggi House. the place has soothing properties like no other place on earth. PM me about it :D
Oct 26, 09 13:22:52
Take it easy "varianceowns".
All good players are somewhat pretentious.
There very confidant and sometimes cross the line.
I admit, I was a little put off with his early post oh here but after a while, I saw that his posts where kinda "tougue and cheek" comments.
I think he has helped a lot of people on here with free coaching, giving away a few bucks, and he even answered me on fulltilt when I asked hima few poker questions and some personal ones.
Honestly, I think Hasseb has nothing to gain to come here and spill his losing sessions on here (many pros on here just talk about there winning session) except to continue to prove he is a class act.
Oct 27, 09 09:09:18
sounds like to me the ego was in control of you and you weren't in control of it…..
WISDOM = learned consequences
bt summed it up in a post when he mentioned he didn't want to lose 1.5m or whatever it was in a plo session when it has taken all year to build it up… he knows the consequences, in other words he is in control of his ego (ego parts more integrated)..however i see he is taking shots at \$1K-\$2K mix, so see how works out….
from my point of view you needed this lesson and it sucks, however you are where you are mean't to be, like all of us..…
gl…
Oct 27, 09 14:12:14
Just move down and stay moved down. Playing that high of stakes is just dumb for anyone. Except Ivey. Go crush 2knl or whatev and make a good living.
Oct 28, 09 09:00:30
IP-I know you acknowledged the massive variance in PLO in a previous blog. Has any high stakes player acknowledged that PLO is PURE LUCK at the high stakes? I've seen high stakes players "rationalize" the high levels of skill involved in PLO, but it seems like any pot that gets pumped up preflop has justification mathematically for shoving it in on the flop a huge amount of the time. How is there skill involved in that??? It seems like high stakes players "justify" playing high stakes PLO because of their egos or because they are somewhat degenerate gamblers (and I definitely don't put you in the degen gambler category). I would appreciate your input, IP, or for that matter, any high stakes player's input. GL
Oct 28, 09 14:16:29
Your blog shows that poker players go through all types of swings, but the good ones will always prevail in the long run. My blog http://ndirish1414.blogspot.com/
is about similar subject matter. If any inexperienced players are interested, I give advice on there, and you can leave comments and I'll get back to you.
ndirish1414
Oct 29, 09 13:31:27
Think of this as the biggest downswing in your poker career (including future). Think of how much better you are going to deal with lesser downswings - maybe you wont feel them at all.
Now summon all your strength and go crush please. Kuzzucan.
Oct 29, 09 13:39:10
kinda feel bad for everyone who plays u on the way back up. good luck, u'll be fine
Oct 30, 09 09:22:31
billions of people live below the poverty line. and now u have to stick to playing 10/20? boo Fing hoo.
Oct 31, 09 12:04:27
"I'm sure that you could probably make 2-300K a year in your sleep while coaching and playing smaller stakes in a low variance"
IP is obviously a good player but to suggest that he can make 300k in his sleep at lower stakes is hillarious. It takes alot of skill and alot of time invested to win today.
This loss cant be a shock. The best midstakes grinders lose 20bi on a regular basis in lower varience softer games. Most will suffer alot bigger ds to so as harsh as it sounds this post is std. If you cant take losing so much dont play so high.
Oct 31, 09 14:14:23
"PLO involves SKILL?????
IP-I know you acknowledged the massive variance in PLO in a previous blog. Has any high stakes player acknowledged that PLO is PURE LUCK at the high stakes? I've seen high stakes players "rationalize" the high levels of skill involved in PLO, but it seems like any pot that gets pumped up preflop has justification mathematically for shoving it in on the flop a huge amount of the time. How is there skill involved in that??? It seems like high stakes players "justify" playing high stakes PLO because of their egos or because they are somewhat degenerate gamblers (and I definitely don't put you in the degen gambler category). I would appreciate your input, IP, or for that matter, any high stakes player's input. GL
bobkill"
maybe he have a big ego, and a degenerate gambler
Oct 31, 09 17:53:05
I agree that it's not easy at all for most people to make 2-300K a year at online poker. However, if IP plays 30K hands a month of 10-20 at a 2.5 ptbb winrate, that will net him well over 300K for the year. That's not even counting coaching where he can make a ton of extra cash as well.
Given that IP has been a consistent winner at much higher stakes for so long I would think that he could do this without to much difficulty. However, I do agree that online poker is tough and only great players like IP can really be expected to be able to do this.
Nov 1, 09 07:42:32
One week without a blog!
I hope you've recovered from your downswing and grind a shitload.
Nov 9, 09 01:05:22
T_T
Print out a poster that cites the Law of Large numbers and think about all the theoretical dollars you are going to make in the future.
Nov 11, 09 15:26:41
this blog is too intelligent for me to read, but if it puts things in perspective durr lost 3 million to ikildurr1
Nov 12, 09 14:37:12
I will give you one tip, stay as far as you can from this swede. He is so good that now one can touch him :)
Nov 15, 09 16:33:40
Come on, blog please, your blogs are the best along with Cole's.
Nov 16, 09 15:18:24
Keep your head up Haseeb, your a great player and you'll be back on the winning track soon. GL
Nov 17, 09 02:48:22
it is starting to look like maybe you messed with the wrong guy in isildur. however, as you said you ran 400k below ev, so the session should have been -100k. so if you imagine that you'd taken on possibly the best online player in the world at the moment in 6 tables of hu omaha and should only have lost 100k then actually you've done quite well in my opinion.
you're an amazing player, and i'd back you to be the best in the world in a few years if anyone was offering odds. ride it out mate, and hope to see you back in the hunt soon
Nov 18, 09 12:27:24
rolf, i never seen what the fascination was about haseeb's game. the ultimate nit bumhunter with no sickness in his game what so ever.
haseeb, you would have been better off writing a shorter story about how you became part of the poker ecology. eventually the bottom feeder gets run off........just like you.
Nov 18, 09 17:02:34
Come on with ur stupid 400k below ev guys! losing 500k running 400k below ev does NOT necessarily mean that he played bad. Thats just ignorant reasoning. The EV graph shows EV for ALL-IN situations and if u think a little bit further beyond the numbers you would realise that there could be potential coolers in big pots where u get it in bad vs FI´s holding BUT good vs his range and there could also be situations where u get sucked out on and have to call river with all in etc. All in all there could be ALOT of situations which would not show up correctly in the EV graph.
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