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David Benefield : Poker Blog Has it really been two weeks since I wrote my last blog? Hrm… Well, I got back into the swing of things with school. Knocked out Thucydides in the last 2 weeks, as well as some rando other stuff. That book was miserable, and our discussions in class sucked. The only good part was Pericles giving speeches. We are back to Plato again for a couple weeks, getting through Phaedrus and Symposium. Nothing like 2 weeks of reading about little boy love.
Right now I am back at home in
On the poker side of things, since my lost blog, things have gone awesome for me. I lied about playing small. I am up ~300k playing mostly 1-2 cap PLO, with some random other stuff in between. Games have been pretty good, and I have been playing/running quite well. I would probably put more emphasis on running well, but I always thought my cap game was pretty solid. So yea, it is good news that I may not have completely forgotten how to make money. Yay!
Workout wise, I was all gung ho about starting to box more regularly, working out at a local gym and having a lot of solid, experienced people to spar all the time. I had a change of heart last week and decided to not get too involved. I have mentioned before in some of my blogs my issues with my shoulder. I got it checked out, mri, blah blah, and I have a torn labrum in 2 places or something. Surgerizing will be necessary if I want it to be fixed.
I have known what is wrong with my shoulder for probably 5 years now, but I have been putting off getting surgery because I am an epic bitch. The idea of a 6-8 month recovery honestly terrifies me. The fear that something could go wrong and I could never throw a ball again scares me to death. Yes yes, this is a common surgery, people get it all the time, great, I get that. Still worried about it.
What does this have to do with boxing? Well, I decided to go ahead and get the surgery as soon as the semester is over. If I start getting more involved in boxing, I will want to compete. I will want to see how much I am really improving. If I train super hard for 3.5 months, I will want to see some result. Unfortunately, that result is 6 months of getting out of shape. Ok maybe after the first month I can start riding an exercise bike or something, but solid conditioning seems like a long way off.
What will I do now? Well, I don’t want to sit around and be a fatass, this much I know. I am still boxing twice a week with the club at school, but am looking at it less seriously than I was a couple weeks ago. I am trying to get a prop bet together on me and Hac dunking a basketball. I can focus on that I suppose. But damn, I can’t get this shoulder thing out of my head, I don’t know why I am so worried about it. I guess I will have to nut up a bit.
What else can I ramble about.. oh! I have no idea whatsoever what I want to do with my life. I could probably write a book about this, but I will try to keep it short for now. WTF am I going to do with a liberal arts degree? The reason I went back to college was to learn how to write better and read/understand a lot of good books. I was also bored playing poker, wasn’t particularly happy with where I saw myself in 10 years, and decided to make a change.
Now, I have no idea where I see myself. I am in a pretty serious relationship, maybe I will be married and have kids. 33 seems to be a reasonable age for that. Maybe my shoulder will be fixed and I will work out super hard and play minor league baseball. I think that would be fun, but probably unlikely. Maybe I will coach baseball. I think in the last couple years, that has made me the happiest. It was a lot of work, and sometimes fairly annoying with the lack of freedom and what not, but I enjoyed it more than anything I have done for a really long time.
Something in that vein seems likely, but at the same time I will have to worry about money at some point. Things that tend to make one the happiest also don’t provide monetary return. Steve Jobs had a fun quote, "The only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it." Steve Jobs is a billionaire. Maybe he is doing something right.
Finding something to be passionate about seems to be one of the most fulfilling aspects of life. In middle/high school, baseball was my life. Every day after school I would practice for hours, condition endlessly, work out as often as possible, and try to improve my skills in any way I could. Weekends I would travel all over the place playing often 3 games a day. When I first started playing poker, I couldn’t get enough. I devoted 100% of my effort to improving my game. Nothing else mattered except getting better, moving up in limits, and conquering my opponents. Getting inside their heads. Figuring out what worked best, then figuring out why. I feel like being extremely successful at anything requires this sort of mindset.
I haven’t had this mindset about anything else since poker, and I lost that consuming desire years ago (thankfully). But I miss it. I miss having that something to wake up for in the morning and be extremely excited about doing. I wake up in the morning and feel happy to be sure. My life is good, I am enjoying it, I love the people in it, the things I am doing, and most of the ways I spend my hours. Yet.. I don’t have that passion for anything anymore. That overwhelming desire to succeed at something.
A large part of me hoped I would find this going back to school, but deep down I knew it wouldn’t be what I was looking for. I work hard, I get all my work done, but it isn’t the same. You know what I’m talking about. So if you had that and lost it, how did you get it back? How did you find the next thing to focus 100% of your effort on? Maybe none of you are like this. Maybe this is a strange eccentricity of mine. Maybe some people don’t need that feeling. I think I thrive on it.
To throw a curveball, for any of you that read fantasy, I have mentioned George Martin before and his Song of Ice and Fire series. Awesome obv. I haven’t mentioned Patrick Rothfuss and The Name of the Wind yet though. Great book, I read it twice a few months ago. Right now I am reading Robin Hobb’s Farseer Trilogy. If you are in to fantasy and have read and liked Rothfuss, I think you should check this out. I am halfway through the third book, Assassin’s Quest, and have really been enjoying the series thus far. I spend most of my day reading stuff for school, but at night I get to knock out a good hour of fantasy before bed, and it always sets me up well for dream mode.
Hope everyone is doing well.
-David Benefield
Feb 1, 10 00:27:25
Great post David, I can totally relate with you, although for now poker still does it for me, at least some of the time...
Feb 1, 10 00:53:33
raptor u should consider not taking up boxing professionally... look @ mickey rourke and what boxing did to his face. dont think u want that to happen
Feb 1, 10 01:47:09
I have had a similar problem. I haven't had a true passion for something in a while. I don't know. Maybe it's just something that happens to us as we get older.
Even when it comes to girls I never experience the same emotions I did up until the age of 22 or 23 (I'm 26 now).
Maybe that's part of what getting old is. The highs aren't as high, the lows aren't as low and the drive fades. But who knows.
Feb 1, 10 03:27:29
Glad you're back to blogging, always a decent read. Don't go all Mickey Rourke on us.
Feb 1, 10 07:37:54
haha, no chance i would ever consider being a pro boxer. it is just fun, I like the challenge, and am seeing constant improvements. I have no intention of ever doing a fight for pay. I like my face, and my brain.
Feb 1, 10 08:38:05
Maybe if you had a fucked up mind like durrrr or isildur you would be the best of the best.
But u are just to pussy for that.
Go and make that surgery.
U are too attached to your body and to attached to the idea of losing money. Try to be some religious freak and u will be in the right way.
Feb 1, 10 09:41:10
Good luck on your journey. My brother is a Johnnie and he's still on his 18 years after graduation. I think the school attracts seekers.
I would get used to the fact that there will always be some dissatisfaction in your life and a question of what else is out there for you. As long as that spurs you on to seek out new experiences, that's not necessarily a bad thing.
Feb 1, 10 10:42:13
I had a torn labrum in my hip.. put off sugery for 2 years before finally doing it in September. Best decision I've ever made! It feels 100% better and you will be surprised how not being in chronic pain changes your life.
Just my 2 cents
Feb 1, 10 12:59:58
Don't be scared of the surgery. I had my ACL/MCL repaired in Sept and its progessing fine. You'll feel so much better when its done and strengthened back up.
Feb 1, 10 15:44:51
David. I'd say just stick with school, live life, and have fun. Something new will come along. Don't look for it, don't force it, just let it come. I've found that when you just go with the flow, things end up working out. That's how I got into poker.
Feb 1, 10 17:11:13
A Song of Ice and Fire is fantastic.
Be prepared to be disappointed with Farseer Trilogy. Hobb writes books well, but fiishes them horribly.
Feb 1, 10 19:08:33
Spot on post I def could relate to that...I have the same problem since I was in my teens...I would pick up a new hobby and go all out with it...It would consume me till the next one...Eventually with poker, money was involved. And then started to play for the money and not the other things..
Feb 1, 10 19:28:00
What you're going through is common. I'm 52 and was looking for my next passion when poker hit me on the head 3 years ago. Just relax and try to stay in the present. It will happen when you least expect it.
Feb 1, 10 19:46:07
As far as fantasy reading goes, pick up Neil Gaiman "Neverwhere", or any of his books for that matter, all fantastic.
Feb 1, 10 21:36:48
Passion is the hardest thing to harness and understand. I have no idea what I want to do on a daily basis...I'm 25 and ask myself the exact same questions everyday..I've started 10million dollar companies, I've traveled around the world playing games, and nothing keeps my attention. I really buy into what Steve Jobs says, but I still haven't found it. I ask anyone I know that is more intelligent then me this question weekly, and they never seem to have an answer that doesn't involve complacency and contentedness. I don't buy into the whole "wait and see routine". I think you have to be insanely proactive or you can fall into the same category that so many "settlers" do. Only get so many days man...have to usem.
Feb 2, 10 03:27:55
So few people truly know what they want in the end. Most who say they know, are delusional. My philosophy is start from what you know you don't want, and go from there. If you're not sure of what you don't want, ha then I'd say you're screwed
Feb 2, 10 14:12:14
You phrase your question in terms of recapturing passion, but what I get the feeling youre struggling with is a desire to recapture your innocence (cliche i know but cmon indulge for 2 seconds). Adult life consists of compromise and imperfect solutions.
You could enjoy poker when college was in the future, and yourself pigeonholed as "a poker player" in 10 years down the road was avoidable. But like you said, WTF do you do with a liberal arts degree? Become a lawyer? A therapist? A professor of something? All imperfect solutions, and it overlooks the most obvious answer.
Somehow, you have the ability to play a game that makes you famous, cubicle-free, and set for life financially. And to top that off, you even enjoy it occasionally. The best decision you could make is to transform poker into a career; treat it like a job, and embrace other hobbies you can be (fleetingly) passionate about. "PM barry greenstein". Volunteer, involve yourself in charities, maybe even ::ahem:: get a bright and extremely motivated protege. People find these things to be very fulfilling.
Passion is fulfilling, and has its place, but it might not be such an integral piece of a career. Now a career that gives you the freedom to embrace your passions, thats pretty much the life nuts.
Feb 2, 10 21:13:44
I felt the same, and still do. I already dropped out of college once because I just couldn't find the motivation or focus.
This time around I have more motivation and will graduate later this year but I still haven't gotten rid of that nagging feeling of... is this really the direction I want to go?
It's a very frustrating feeling to have, and even moreso to get rid of.
GL
Oh, and I ALWAYS confuse your name with benyamine. So frustrating.
Feb 3, 10 03:58:43
I can relate to you also. First soccer was the thing i did 100% till age of 18teen. Then came some injuries, motivation problems and 9months military service. After i got out there i focused poker very seriously and it was the coolest thing ever. Now 2 years later, im in school but my motivation sucks, i still play poker but it doesn´t give me much cool feelings and it´s pretty boring most of the times and i still play soccer but just for hobby and not training so seriously anymore. ive been consider starting do mixed martial arts or some marathons or playing soccer more seriously, something to get back in the shape i was in before. I really miss the feeling to be in good shape and and always happy to go training. Also been considering coaching youth soccer. I would also like to find some school subject that interestes and get education and smarten myself. I think this thing you talked about is very common for poker players.
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