CardRunners

Hey Guys:

It's been a while since I've blogged, so I really wanted to come back with a bang, but unfortunately my time is extremely limited so I can't write more than a few paragraphs.

I basically just wanted to let everyone know that things are going well out here.  I'm learning about Judaism, and Moses, and Mount Sinai, and obvos God.  Not sure what I believe and all, but people are nice and warm and welcoming.  The kids in my program are pretty cool -- a bunch are still in college (Northwestern, Syracuse, Binghamton, Arizona, UNC, U Michigan) and one recently graduated law school and passed the bar.  I think I'm currently the only one who's in the workforce.  Pics to come of all 10 boys for all the ladies out there in a future post.

Anyways, I got really lucky even to make it to Israel because there were snowstorms across the US when I was leaving:


Now I'm leaving in a town called Har Nof which is part of Jerusalem.  It's EXTREMELY religious, and really weird for me.  All men wear black coats, white shirts, and black hats.  Every single woman wears a long skirt - I have not seen a single pair of pants on women in Har Nof except for a worker in the grocery store.  It's really, really weirdo.  But it makes them all happy, so what I can say.  They'd probably think we're weirdo for wearing as little clothing as we typically do.  So I won't judge, just say that it's different than what I'm used to.

Also, in typical Ezra fashion, I had to stand out.  So I have a bright white baseball hat that I wear with one of my Affliction hoodies.  My girlfriend also gave me a bright pink umbrella to use cause it's been raining.  I imagine me, walking through a sea of black with a bright pink umbrella.  Just LOL.

Anyways "Har" in Hebrew stands for mountain.  Thus, I live on the top of a mountain.  Here's a picture of the view from the road outside my house (not the best pic):


Okay!  More next time!  Have a good weekend everyone and I'll be back on Sunday with a blog called "On Financial Freedom," my philosophical treatise on financial security.

Till next time,
Love,
Ezra Moses

It's 4:45am, I am drunk, and in O'Hare airport waiting for my flight to Newark.  Once in Newark, I'll have another few hours to wait around before getting strip searched by Israeli security forces aka El Al in order to board my flight to Israel.  It's really remarkable how different Israeli airline security and American airline security are, especially given that they operate out of the same airport.  In Israel, being an airport security officer is an esteemed position.  So - smart people are actually manning the airports.  Whereas in the USA, TSA employees are considered less educated (which, whether or not is actually the case) is a total shame.  The Israeli security people don't even need to search your bags.  They just ask you all these questions about your background, where you're going, who you are, and can size you up in 2-3 minutes.  If they sense anything suspicious, you'll go to hours of interrogation, but, luckily, that's never happened to me.  I just recall on my last trip telling one of the guards "Omg, I forgot I have my razor blades in my bad," and the guard was like "LOLZ, I don't care.  I trust you."  Anyways, yeah, nice work Israel.

Props to Lee Pryztula on photoshopping my rabbincal azz.  Impressive Mr. Pryz:



I just recalled that I should probably mention why I'm a little tipsy.  The CardRunners Christmas Party hosted by Taylor and Andrew was tonight.  I knew a lot of people there and had a really great time.  A bunch of poker players like iRock and Citizenwind showed up which was coolio.  Nutedawg was absent, but I'm confident he'll make up for it.  I think it's really cool how many CR people are based out of Chicago.  We really have a nice little community and family here.

The point is that since I had to leave for the airport at 4am, and the party didn't start until 10pm, I figured I'd just stay at the party drinking as late as possible.  So I did that, and honestly, it was a pretty good idea because I didn't fall asleep at like 1:15am all worried that I might sleep through my flight.  Overall, I'd rate the get drunk to make flight idea a B+.

I just wanted to conclude this blog by relating a story that happened to me today that has me really shaken up.  I may write more about this in the coming days the more I think about it, but yeah...I'm not sure the best way or most gracious way to present this, so I'm just gonna go for it. :

It goes like this.  I was pretty close with a girl on my floor Freshman year.  We've since lost touch to a large degree, though we probably still see each other 2-3 times per year.  I think she's a total doll, she's always smiling, upbeat, and positive.  She definitely has not lived the easiest life, but she knew her dreams and was committed to making them a reality.

She had been dating a guy on and off since high school, and it definitely became really serious her Junior and Senior year of college.  Whenever we would talk, I could just sense how in love she was with him.  Even though they went to different colleges, they saw each other frequently and though they ended up in different cities post-college, it was never a question of whether the relationship would work.  It just made too much sense.

I had lunch with her about nine months ago and her dream was to move to Los Angeles to go to grad school and be closer to him.  And when I checked her Facebook profile a couple of months ago, I was really happy to see that she had gone out there and was living her dream.  She was with the boy she loved, pursuing her writing program - she'd left the NYC job she felt uncomfortable in.  I didn't message her at the time, but I was really proud of her.

I stumbled across her Facebook page today and saw that she had posted pictures to a page called "[Her Boyfriend's] Memorial Page."  At first I thought it was one of those joke Facebook groups, but when I actually started reading the posts it became all too real.  Her boyfriend had died of a heart attack at age 24.  I was just in utter shock, and I started crying.  I cannot fathom what she's going through or what it would feel like to lose the person absolutely CLOSEST to you.

The poems and writings on the Facebook wall just absolutely made my heart melt.  They were so heartfelt and honest.  They all started with "I miss the way he would..." and then note something cute and goofy that expressed, in some cute, roundabout way, how much he absolutely loved her.  This made even more tears flow down my cheek.

I didn't know what to do, so I wrote her a note.  I told her that even though I'd never met her boyfriend, that I felt so much pain for her.  I wrote:

I know this note must be painful for you, but I had to offer my condolences. And to say that it was so obvious ANYTIME we talked how important he was to you. I'm so glad that you were able to be close with him for so many years - even though it was often long distance, you made each others worlds spin.

She responded incredibly sweetly, but to the effect that my note wasn't painful -- it was heartfelt, honest, and totally moved her.  But what was painful was him dying.  And how finite is that?  He is dead.  Her hopes of a life with him, marrying him, watching him develop into an amazing father...dead.

I just can't get over this.  I keep going over and over in my head what it would be like in her shoes.  You always hear stories about someone losing a loved one, but it always seems so hypothetical.  This is a girl who I knew really well, who I'd shared emotions with, and who I cared for.  This isn't hypothetical anymore, it's so damn real.

I'm really upset that I didn't do this situation justice in tonight's blog.  I've been awake for nearly 24 hours and my mind isn't working properly.  I hope to write more about it later.  But Steph, if you're reading this, just know that I cannot get this out of my head, and I wish I could take some of the pain off your shoulders. 

My flight is boarding so I need to go.  I'll write more later.  Sigh.  This is such a curious world we live in.

Love,
Ezra

Hah, I'm really not kidding.  So basically I'm leaving in a couple of days for Israel where I'll be living for the next 2.5 weeks.  Instead of doing the whole vacation thing or even Birthright (if any of you are familiar with that), I'll be studying at a Yeshiva, which is a little hard to explain, but basically a religious university where Jews go to learn more about Judaism and oftentimes become Rabbis.

There are a number of reasons why I'm going, but most are privateish.  I'm certainly not the most religious person in the world, though I am proud of our tradition and culture.  But I am very curious about a lot of things, so I'm going to learn and see what's up with the world.

I'll admit that I'm wondering a little bit what might happen to me while I'm there.  Right now I'm a pretty secular person.  Case in point, here's a picture of me from the summer (I'm in the middle):



And here are the homies I'll be hanging out with:



THUS - I think there's a pretty good chance I end up looking hella fierce like this brah:



Anywayys, I bought myself a little Elf digital camera so that I can take some pictures of where I'm staying and my surroundings so that I can track my progress, learning, and thoughts in picture format!  I may just scrap my blog for a picture diary.  yayyyyyy.

In other news, I've been playing more poker than normal.  I think it's probably because I figure I won't have much time to play poker in Israel and want to get it all out of my system.  In that vein, I've done some things that I haven't done in a while:

1. I put in my first nine-hour session of poker in probably three years.  And, honestly, I hope I never do that again (except for like WSOP events).  It was also incredibly swingy.  It pretty much went like this:

Hours 1-2: Lose $3k
Hours 3-5: Win $6k
Hours 6-7: Lose $11k
Hours 8-9: Win $10k
Total: +$2k

Anyways, it was just insanely stressful and probably not worth the money.  I would've much rather gone to bed at a normal hour, gotten a fresh nights sleep, and gotten out of bed the next morning like a lion.

2. I near-busted and tilt cashed-out an account.  Back in the Neteller days, my poker career was like this: Leave like $2,500 in my Party Poker account, play 3 tables of $3/$6 NLHE and cash out anything over $2,500 at the end of the day.  I think I had like 8 winning days in a row, so this seemed totally normal to me, and I had no idea that you needed more than $2,500 to play three tables of a SIX HUNDRED DOLLAR BUYIN GAME.  Man I was dumb.

But whatever, it was so easy to move money around that if I ever lost a big pot or something, I would just tilt cash out from Party Poker so that I couldn't play for a few hours.  Obviously, post UIGEA tilt cashing out would be extraordinarly dumb as it takes like 2 weeks to withdraw, and another 2 weeks to deposit any serious sum of money, so you'd lose a month worth of earning potential.

But anyways, a few days ago I was playing on a site where I had a low account balance, lost 7 buyins in about 45 minutes (KK vs AA twice, AQ vs QJ on QQJ) and just tilt cashed out my last $2k or so via bank wire.  It felt really good to tilt cash out.  I'm gonna spend that money wisely :)

Okay, next post will probably be from Newark airport before I depart for the Holy land.

Hollas and hearts,
Ezra

Let's give it up for Andrew Wiggins and the entire CardRunners development team who helped design our new, really incredible blog network.  They look great, and I hope it inspires more members to do some quality blogging.

I was recently contacted by a CardRunners member who wanted to interview me for a piece he's doing for his Investigate Journalism class at his University.  I wouldn't be where I am today if it wasn't for the kindness of strangers on the internet, so I was more than happy to help out.  The interview definitely made me think a little bit, so I decided to re-post the questions and answers here.  Hope you find something interesting and/or that you can relate to...

1) What is your job at Cardrunners? And how old are you (if you don't mind)?

I serve as Director of Marketing for CardRunners, LLC, and I am twenty four years old.

2) Do you yourself gamble online? What site(s) do you play on? What games do you play, or what type of gambling do you do?

I want to preface the rest of my comments by noting the distinctions between online poker and online table games such as blackjack, roulette, and slots.  Poker is, hands down, a game of skill.  So skillful, in fact, that I am able to quantify my expected return on investment in near absolute terms.  That said, without proper education and training, a novice may lose money in poker in the same way that an inexperienced investor is likely to have negative returns in the stock market.  This idea, though admitting that certain elements of poker are left to chance, also supplements the skill argument – that proper knowledge lessens the impact of luck.

I have been playing poker over the internet since the summer of 2004 on a variety of poker sites like Full Tilt Poker and Poker Stars.  Over the years, I’ve probably played well over a dozen different poker sites, but have concentrated my play post-UIGEA because of the difficulties of moving money around online.

My main game is $5/$10 NLHE with a buyin of $1,000.  I typically play 3-6 tables at a time, and will play anywhere as low as $2/$4 ($400 buyin) to $25/$50 ($5,000 buyin) depending on the action and lineup.   

3) If you can recall, what was your impression of online gambling before you became involved in online poker?

Unfortunately, I can’t recall my perceptions of online poker before I started playing.  I will willingly admit that if I was to discover online poker today, I would have some sizable concerns because of the stories in 60 Minutes and The Washington Post.  As someone who deals with the management behind major online poker rooms on a daily basis, I can see their legitimacy firsthand.  But I am not surprised that so many people are cautious of online poker.  In many ways, it’s still seen as a “wild, wild, west” region of the internet – unlicensed, and unregulated.  I know this not to be the case.  Like I said, I’ve seen it firsthand.  But all of us involved in the industry understand the perceptions surrounding it.

4) How did you learn about online gambling? Why did you pursue it?

In High School, I was part of a “poker club” where myself and four friends got together to play cards on Saturday nights.  My sophomore year of college, I travelled down to North Carolina to film a movie about World War II for the Discovery Channel.  The shoot was two to three weeks long and I bonded with a number of the guys.  Some nights, after filming, we’d all get together in someone’s room, have some drinks, and play hold’em.  I can’t recall how I did, but I do remember returning to my room after one of these games and finding the World Poker Tour on the Travel Channel.  I’d never seen it before and I was fascinated.  I believe the episode was the Party Poker Million I from the first season.  I was really blown away and looked for poker on television any chance I got.

Some months later, back at college, I made a $100 deposit on Party Poker and lost it.  When, by a twist of fate, I found myself with a full-time job in my Junior year of college, I had tons of disposable income and gave it another shot and deposited on Poker Stars.  I continued losing, but was having a lot of fun and really wanted to improve.

After a month or so of play, I went out to Barnes and Noble and bought every book I could find on poker.  I probably read poker books for three days straight before heading back to the tables.  I was better though still a slight loser.  And it wasn’t until a professional poker player in NYC inexplicably decided to take me under his wing, that I became a big winner – seemingly overnight.

I’m not entirely sure why I chose to pursue poker.  Certainly, the money was alluring.  So was the attraction of winning – you’ll find that most successful poker players are incredibly competitive, almost obsessively so.  I also liked the glitz of casinos in movies, and the excitement of poker on television.  I was never going to be a star athlete.  But I truly believed I could be a great poker player.

5) In some respects, you have made online poker your career. Do you ever worry about the negative effects online gambling/poker might have on some people?

This is such an amazing question, and I’m so curious to see how some of my peers would respond.  The short answer is this: every single day. 

In a past blog post, I wrote about the emotional swings that poker causes, and how even after four years of semi-professional play, I was still prone to “tilt” in a variety of ways.  I found this horrifying, though not because I was disappointed in myself.  I’ve come to understand that these are elements of the game every professional needs to factor in.  Just as a restaurant budgets for a certain amount of broken glass/plates every day, a professional poker player needs to understand that their emotions and tilt will never disappear.  One must continually look to improve their emotional stability, but as with any intense investment, there will be emotional consequences.

I found this realization horrifying because if I’m still prone to these emotional swings – and I consider myself extremely level headed, conservative with money, etc – how does poker affect someone who’s not a professional?  I do believe that the vast majority of poker players play within their comfort zone, and set aside a given amount of money they’re “willing to lose.”  But even so, I do think about how many sleepless nights poker has surely caused.  Now, admittedly, this isn’t exclusive to poker – the same could be said of any form of gambling, or a poor investment, or an ill-thought impulse purchase, or a variety of other decisions.  But yes, I think a lot about how poker affects individuals, and families.

As an aside, one of the advantages of playing high stakes poker is that this question rarely applies.  At some point, the buyins are so elevated that the only participants are other professional poker players, or wealthy individuals who can easily afford the losses.

6) With all of the U.G.I.E.A. drama going on, what do you think should be done with regard to online poker? How about online gambling in general?

It’s really a no-brainer and it’s a shame that our elected leaders haven’t seen the light.  Prohibition doesn’t work.  It’s  a historical fact – tried and tested.  Poker is big business, and it’s only a fraction of the larger casino business.  People want to gamble, people enjoy gambling.  And as the plummeting revenues in Las Vegas evidence, people are –surprisingly - not as irrational as expected.  Economic times are tough, and it’s healthy to see that people aren’t gambling with money they can’t afford to lose.

One of the main arguments against online gambling is that it is too addictive, too seductive, and people will be drawn to it at all times of the day, for reasons they can’t pinpoint.  I think this argument is somewhat silly, especially given that online gambling exists right now anyway.  And millions of Americans are gambling online every month.   So what has the government achieved?  Yes, they’ve had some small successes – making it more difficult to deposit money.  But this is merely a slight nuisance.  For anyone looking to gamble $100, it couldn’t be easier to get in the game.

The United States government should legalize online gambling and license out a fixed number of contracts to experienced, respected corporations. 

7) As it exists today, do you think online gambling is a good thing? Do its merits outweigh the potential problems (perhaps difficulty in regulating, negative moral force, some people struggle with addiction, etc.) contributing to social which are inherent in it?

As outlined in question #5, I have pretty strong feelings about this issue.  But no argument would be complete without a balanced view.

Online poker has been a positive, beneficial force for millions of people.  For most, it’s been a form of entertainment, allowing them to play a great American card game when no one wants to come over.  Heck, it can even be cheaper than going to the movies, assuming a $50 deposit lasts a player five hours or so.  Poker is a beautiful, complex, elegant game, and online poker allows the entire world to enjoy it.  Most people play within their means, and most enjoy the recreation it affords.

And in the world of professional poker, it can also be extraordinarily positive.   My roommate, having come from a less affluent background, was able to pay his way through Law School using online poker winnings rather than be saddled with hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt.  Many young poker players have used their winnings to save for the future, to travel, start businesses, and more.  Certainly people are irresponsible with their winnings – they same could be said of any field.  But I’ve found the world of young poker players to be filled with optimistic, enthusiastic, ambitious, genuine young people who treat poker as a shortcut to financial security rather than a career goal.

Poker wouldn’t exist if people didn’t enjoy their time spent immersed in the game.  I’ve noted some of my concerns.  But we shouldn’t ignore the positives either.

8) Do you have any other comments or insight which you think might be interesting to people who are formulating an opinion on whether or not to support online poker or gambling initiatives?

I suppose that I would like to emphasize that the world of online poker is not nearly as seedy or underhanded as the government, or 60 Minutes would like you to believe.  The scandals at Ultimate Bet and Absolute Poker were tragedies, and simply despicable.  But they are the extreme anomaly. 

I deal with professionals (not players) in the poker industry every single day.  From management at gaming sites to televised poker to poker journalists to affiliates, and, of course, to our members.  I’ve never dealt with a terrorist or been subject to some money laundering scheme.  The people in this industry are enthusiastic about the game, and excited for its future.  I’ve found the people I’ve dealt with – in an industry focusing on a game of individuals – to be surprisingly selfless.  The poker industry is simply not made up of gangsters or crooks.  It’s made up of typically young, ambitious people capitalizing on opportunities often not afforded at such young ages.

To ignore some of the consequences of gambling would be dishonest.   But that same honesty works both ways.  I’ve greatly enjoyed my time in the poker world, and appreciate all the ways that poker has benefitted my life.

Chicago land is covered with thin sheet of snow which reminds me of how much I love this time of year.  There's something romantic about winter.  While summer is remembered for beaches, and travels and those always epic teenage summer memories, winter is about family, warmth, and hanging out around the fire.  I agree with Andrew that the holiday season in a place like Florida just seems so off.  You need the crisp, cool winter air to make you appreciate the warmth of your home, and loved ones.  I don't know...I love waking up and seeing a sheet of fresh snow outside my window.  It just seems so innocent and pure.

OK.  Now on to real things :)  I recently ran a week's worth of meetings for the StoxPoker and CardRunners crew down in Fort Lauderdale.  It was a pretty good time overall, though there were some stressful (and sometimes gross) moments.  But that's the way it goes I suppose.  Being by the beach in December - while kind of weird as noted above - was also nice for the few short days I was there.  After everyone left, I stayed an extra day to hang out and read at the beach.  I read some of my books, the entire NY Times, walked around the Boardwalk, ate some yummy fish and then flew back to Chitown.  It was great to have a day off as I worked extremely hard in Florida. 

Poker is also okayish.  I've run pretty well over the past couple of months before having an annoying stretch over the past 2-3 weeks where I basically lost $2-$3k every time I played.  Then the other night I played for a couple of hours and made it all back super quickly.  Meh.  Poker's a silly game.  I'm proud that I didn't let my losing affect my mood at all.  I didn't even think about it at all.  On the flip side, my huge night recently didn't provide much pleasure either which is sad.  I guess I've finally reached the point where poker is simply something I do to earn money - I do enjoy winning, because I'm competitive.  But I don't think the pleasure is any different than what I'd derive from aceing a test, or developing a good program for CardRunners.  I'm proud of my poker game and how in tune I am with my opponents tendencies.  I feel like the psychological aspects of my game are really impressive even if I don't have the theoretical/mathematical understanding that other CardRunners members/instructors do.

Oh, I should mention that I made my first real CardRunners video while in Florida!!  It's kind of a LeakFinder format where Kyle "Cottonseed" Hendon from StoxPoker analyzes my session and gives me some feedback.  We get into some really cool discussion about my unorthodox style of play.  I explain how I try to really annoy my opponents by taking them out of their element, and Kyle tells me why some of my thinking is actually sorta bad.  Oops :(  Works for me :)

Lastly, I wanted to take the final part of my blog to talk about a movie I saw over Thanksgiving called "Synecdoche, New York" the latest film from writer/director Charlie Kaufman of "Eternal Sunshine" and "Being John Malkovich" fame.  I've always been a fan of Kaufman's because of his creativity, his desire to contradict the accepted flow of movies, and the risks he takes in so many elements of his scripts.  So it's no surprise that I enjoyed "Synecdoche, New York."  But more than that, I was so absolutely engrossed with every detail of this film, that I felt in tune with the rhythm of Kaufman's mind.

I'm not a movie reviewer.  I'll leave that to the professionals.  But I had to write down my thoughts.  And I'll start with this story.  I knew nothing about the film when my father invited me to come with him.  I didn't know what it was about, nor who the stars were.  I knew it was a Kaufman film, but no further details.  So when my father and I departed the theater, I turned to him asked "Hey Dad...what did the critics think of this movie?"  He replied: "They were ecstatic."  "Okay, that makes me feel better," I responded.  "Because I didn't want to sound like an idiot...but I think this may be the best movie ever made."

I've never said that before.  About any movie.  And I truly mean it.  But my father was wrong.  When I returned home, I looked up the reviews.  And some were "ecstatic," but others were appalled, confused, and underwhelmed.  The ratings ranged from A+ to F.  And I found this remarkable.  That any film could cause such derision among professional movie critics.  But the reason for this distance of opinion is the rhythm I noted earlier.  The film is like a dance.  It is an absolutely beautiful, passionate, fiery dance.  At times slow, at times lustful, and at times giving.  And if you're not in tune with the rhythm of your partner - in this case Kaufman - you cannot possibly begin to comprehend the film.

So what is the movie about?  Well, as Roger Ebert wrote in his review (rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article) there's almost no need to discuss that!  I mean it basically comes down to this.  This is a film about life and truth.  The movie spends the majority of its time as a performance inside a movie.  When Kaufman builds a city sized set with thousands of characters to represent every piece of his life, comprehension, desires, sadness, hopes, fears...you name the adjective, they're represented in his city.  But his city isn't a performance.  It's a rehearsal.  It is a never-ending cycle, so close to an achivement, yet held back by ever-widening, natural barrier: ourselves.

Sigh, I wish I could do the film justice with a description.  Here's a NY Times Review that does it better than I could: movies.nytimes.com/2008/10/24/movies/24syne.html  The best I can do is to relate this story.  As we were about to leave the theater, we ran into an academic friend of my father's who was NOT impressed by the movie.  He didn't get it, and didn't understand why other's would like it.  This film is about all of us, I explained.  This is a film about our barest, most honest of emotions I suggested.  But he wasn't satisified.  In his mind, this was a film about a pathetic, decrepit, pathetic individual.  And I fully agreed.  And he was miffed.  This is all of us, I exclaimed!  We all have these fears, obsessions, to which he immediately responded "Maybe so, but no one can go through life like that.  We can't let others see that side of ourselves."  And with that, he had answered his own question.  This is a window into the mask of humanity.  Into the mask of our impersonal, material, sensationalized society.  Behind it all is a bare, truth.  And Kaufman, should you choose to dance with him, forces you to look behind your own mask - lacquered with years and years of social conditioning - to be honest with yourself.

Until next time,
Ezra Moses

I am so glad it is the weekend.  This has been a trying week, to say the least.  After my last post, I had two huge blowout losses in the stock market, and as hard as I tried to ignore those events, I couldn't seem to get away from it.  I wonder if everyone who reads this blog can comprehend the emotions such losses cause.  What really makes me think is that I've playing relatively high stakes poker for a couple years now -- meaning that I am trained and experienced in handling volatility and variance.  And if I'm still experiencing such turbulence, what is it like for the average person who lost most of their retirement fund and savings?  And in that same vein, what is it like for the average person who loses more than they should playing poker.  Yes, it is their choice, their responsibility to handle their money as they see fit -- but I can't help feeling sad for the anguish that must be caused when one loses a bit too much.  I mean, if I still tilt after playing poker semi-professionally for four years, what must it be like for the average person?

Which brings me to this weekend.  I've been "experimenting" with something new recently.  I've been exploring my Jewish heritage and observance a lot lately, and have been trying to incorporate certain elements into my life.  One of the most important is Shabbat, aka the "Day of Rest," the period between sundown Friday and sundown Saturday night.  And while I don't see any reason to follow all the laws (because I don't understand them) there's a lot of logic in the idea behind clearly differentiating certain parts of the week from the rest.  So, for instance, for the past month, I've been committing my Saturdays to rest, reading, walks, and writing.  I don't play poker on Saturday, nor do I do any work.  And, I have to say, that as sundown approaches, knowing that I've set these rules for myself just puts my entire body at calm.  It's been such a long week, and I am always driven to play poker, write more inter-office e-mails, etc.  So it feels so good to know that there's a day dedicated to focusing on other things that life has to offer.  It can be so easy to forget the beauty of life that's more important.  Even if you're not religious at all (and I am only moderately) I encourage you to think about making a dichotomy between different parts of your life.  It's healthy to have times where you're not obsessing over poker hands, or the stock market, or your paycheck, or rent, or the electric bill.  That stuff just wears you down -- sometimes you need a day to re-energize.

Last night, I filled out an application for a program over the winter.  It has been at least two or three years since I've filled out an application about myself.  I got to the question that said "past jobs/college extra-curriculars/hobbies," and for a while I just sat there, blankly.  I mean I almost Googled myself because I couldn't remember what I'd done with my life.  But then I remembered that I've been working with websites since I was 14, worked for a marketing agency in NYC starting at 19, did a lot of side things in high school/college like write for school papers, act as a research assistant for a book called "Baseball as a Road to God," sadly unpublished.  Sometimes I look back at the last few years of my life, and wonder, have I really dedicated it all to a game of cards?  But now I can remember that I've accomplished so much more -- and that poker has been a means to travel the world, experience new cultures, financial freedom, and a pursuit of my career (now with CardRunners).  I have so much to be thankful for and proud of.  Sometimes you just need a swift little kick in the tush to remind yourself.

Anyways, I'm going to head home, and get ready for the weekend.  I have a bunch of good books to read and I can't wait to really delve into them.

Love,
Ezra 

Or can I?

I really, really, hate money.  I kind of wish it didn't exist.  Or that I'd never had any.  My roommate David Paredes (Gaucho2121) once said something to me - that he had no fear of losing his bankroll, because he'd been broke before, knew it wasn't that bad, and knew he could survive.  It's difficult for me to comprehend exactly what he's been through and what it would feel like.  And I do have significant fears of losing everything - because I've been lviing comfortable for so long.

A couple of reasons why this is on my mind...

1. My stock portfolio hit a landmark milestone today.  Negative $150,000 since September 15th.  Sigh.  One hundred and fifty thousand dollars.  Enough to go to business school, put a down payment on a home, send a child to college.  I guess in some ways, I should feel fortunate to have even had that much money to start.  But it's still really scary, and kind of unbelievable at the same time.

The good news is that it doesn't effect any of my day to day operations.  But it does have an affect on a personal level.  It makes me worry more about the future, starting a family, etc.  I guess if I think rationally I know I'll be fine, because there are tens, if not hundreds of millions of people far worse off than me, who have incredibly happy lives, and warm, loving homes.  But it just means that things won't be as easy as I'd hoped -- which is okay.  I'm willing to work harder, it's good for me.  It's just different than how I'd envisioned my life.

2. Last night I came home from work and wanted to do some writing.  While I was cooking dinner, I loaded up some poker tables, made a bad bluff and got myself stuck.  But the games were good, so I didn't quit.  And though I ended up breaking even, I spent way too long playing poker - probably five hours or so, and didn't get to any of the writing I'd looked forward to.  And in the end, it just all feels so silly.  I was really inspired to write some thoughts, and I sacrificed it all...for what?  I was stuck maybe $2-3k?  It just seems silly.

Anyways, all of this reminds me of a charitable contribution I wanted to make.  I run horrible - and I mean beyond beyond terribad - buying action and propbetting people.  But I finally, finally won something.  I can't go into the details of the bet, but I had a significant edge and somehow got "lucky" and ended up winning something.  I'd made a pledge before the bet, that if somehow, by some good graces, I actually won a bet where I had a massive edge, I would tithe the money to charity.  I'm still down huge lifetime buying action, but I'd like to give 10% to charity.

So, that's where you come in.  If you have any recommendations for good charities, please post them in my comments.  I spend a lot of time searching www.charitynavigator.com for good charities.  I've been meaning to give money to the World Wildlife Fund, because I find their TV ads endearing, but I was somewhat saddenned to see that they spend 14% of every donated dollar on fund-raising.  I think that's too much when every dollar is so valuable....anyways, post your thoughts on where I should be giving a donation.  I will also keep these charities in my mind for my end of year giving in December.

Till next time,
Ezra