CARDRUNNERS

The past few days I've felt like I was going insane.  It is amazing how powerful our thoughts are - we can sit in a room, do nothing, merely think, and change in significant ways.  In a certain sense, I've had too much time alone with my thoughts.  I think a lot.  I have entire conservations in my heads, hours and hours of conversations - angry, calm, screaming, sexy - as social as I've always been, I can become paralyzed by my own brain.

Because of everything going on, I took a day off my Yeshiva studies to visit Tel Aviv and hang out at the beach.  I had planned to go alone, but my roommate Jason also wanted to get out, so I decided to treat him to a beach vacation.  I booked us a room at one of the nicest hotels in Tel Aviv, right on the beach, and just sort of told him not to worry about any planning, the costs, etc, and that I'd take care of it all.  Although being back in Yeshiva is in some ways like being in college (classes all day, etc) the kids are typically older, already have student loans and are no longer supported by their parents.  $10, even $20 becomes a lot of money here in Israel, and as much as I try to stay down to earth about finances, I am completely disconnected from the world of a starving students.  Anyways the point is that it was nice to treat him - he kept saying things like "wow, this hotel is so nice," "is this the type of place you always stay?" etc.  It made me reflect on how much things have changed for me in the past five years.

I have to say that Tel Aviv is now one of my favorite beaches in the world.  The water is the warmest beach water I have EVER felt.  It was easily > 80 degrees, and was just amazingly comfortable.  I spent more time jumping through waves and splashing around than I have in a long time.  Enjoying the world's beauty and sun really helped to clear my mind.  I've spent so much time in windowless rooms, pounding the books over the past 4 weeks...so, yeah, thanks world.  I'm going to try and come back here a few more times over the coming months.

Here are a couple of pictures from around the balcony:





When I begin going insane (and I'm 50% crazy lately), I write poetry.  I wrote the following poem, which really helped me come to terms with how I was feeling and my own looniness.  I always forget how much I enjoy writing poetry...I would really like to try some spoken word poetry at some point, so maybe Alvin (citizenwind) will work with me at some point.  If anyone has some links to awesome spoken word stuff, please let me know as I'd love to study it.

wildfires race through my head like thoughts
heaving, screaming, they know not what's lost
in these brambles, flickers on scorcher's flame
to tirade, to mandate, to mayday's parade
gently now we caress with a vail
to derail, to reveal - highball this hightail
lurching backwards, allegory's the slave
indirectly genuine, the metaphorical knave
bring me the ice, and the hose, and the chill
trivial, baby - check - creatively nill
we learn only you can prevent forest fires
so promise me your salve, ires mired in desire?

Lastly, per my post last week about anonymity, I let a couple of guys from the Yeshiva watch me 4-table $1000 NLHE and Omaha a couple of nights ago.  I think it went fairly well overall, and I tried to explain my thought process about what I was doing and why.  Luckily, I did pretty well, but I think they were a bit freaked out by the sums of money in play.  In one hand, a player basically gave away his money on an indefensibly horrid play, and I commented as much.  One of the kids, Jordan, commented, "wow, I feel really bad for him."  It was a poignant moment...and although I explained that player is actually quite wealthy and plays recreationally, the sentiment lingered.

Till next time, breathe deeply.

Ezra Moses

I was presented with an interesting idea last night after a long talk with someone I'm close to.  His thoughts: that our nature is to surround ourselves with our strengths while consciously/subconsciously avoiding our weaknesses.  And that although this generates a sense of confidence/happiness in the short-term it does a disservice to our long-term growth, maturity, and outlook.  That if we're never willing to face our weaknesses, we can't grow as people.  And what's the point of living if you're not developing, improving, and learning?

I'm curious to hear everyone's thoughts on this.  I'm not suggesting that we choose careers that we're terrible at just for the introspective challenge - no, that would be absurd.  But the idea is that we figure out pretty quickly where we're comfortable.  And then we stop searching outside of that room. 

Because if I have certain weaknesses - two examples: say (1) I'm shy, or (2) I'm compulsively obsessed with money - (1) I could start an internet business, not leave the house so often, hang out with a couple of old friends and be content.  (2) I could find my way to a Wall Street firm, work 100 hours a week, and feel some contentment/pride bringing home a $20,000 check every month.  But then have I developed any real relationships?  Am I living only for myself?  Does it make more sense to live with a family, a community, and our relationships?  Or is our purpose to find personal satisfaction?  Which yields more long-term happiness?

So back to the question at hand: Do you feel like you surround yourself with your strengths, while rarely addressing your weaknesses (be honest!).  Again, it would be silly to only focus on our weaknesses.  But do you think you more often than not ignore them?  Choosing the gratification and enjoyment of your strengths and comforts?  I have mixed feelings and am curious how everyone comes down.

Love always,
Ezra Moses

Nevada to Jerusalem.  From desert to desert.  It's only six thousand miles away.  How different could it be?

For the first time in my life, I am able to understand why tens of thousands of Americans make the permament move to Israel each year.  Despite being smaller than the state of New Jersey, Israel represents a variety of climates, terrains, religions, and outlooks.  Just from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem, a distance of no more than 50 miles, the climate typically differs by 10-15 degrees.

There is so much to do and see here.  Every unique city provides endless opportunities for people watching, exploration, and self discovery.

Can you ever fathom someone writing this about New Jersey?  "Ranging from from the lagging industrial prowess of Trenton to the mass incarceration of deliquents in Rahway, NJ offers the best of many worlds..."  You get the point.  Every step in Israel is steeped with history and curiousity.  You never know if the clay breaking under your feet is common rock, or a remnant from a Beduin community, circa 500 CE.

As I'm planning to be in Israel through approximately the end of 2009, here are my goals:

1. Become completely conversational in Hebrew.  This means not getting ripped off by taxi drivers, haggling over prices in markets, and engaging in a deep philosophical conversation in a loud, crowded bar.

2. Sleep a night in a Beduin tent in the Negev Desert.

3. Visit the ancient city of Petra.

4. Spend at least one afternoon at each of the major beaches in Israel: Tel Aviv, Eilat, Haifa.  Are there more?

5. Explore the 5,000 year old city of Jaffo.

6. Visit the Israel museums and meet with real scholars from the Dead Sea Scroll project to ask my numerous questions based on my amateur research.

7. Take an updated tour of the tunnels under the Western Wall.

8. Spend a day preparing meals for Israel soldiers and learn more about their feelings and pride towards the country of Israel.

9. Meet educated Palestinian youth and engage them in dialogue over the future of our country, their ambitions, and how their upbringing was defined by the Palestian Authority.

10. Figure out my life.  How do I see myself in ten years?  What role does Judaism play in my life?  Do I believe in God?  How do we harmonize the excitement of science with the Bible?  And how do all these elements affect my relationships, my priorities, and my convictions.

It's a tall order.  But I'm ambitious.  I'll let you know every time I tackle a major objective.

Love,
Ezra Moses

“And, Ezra, where are you from?”

“I’ve been a bit nomadic lately.  So I don’t even know where to call home.”

I knew I should’ve just said New York.  New York.  Everyone’s from New York.  Nothing to see here.

“Sounds exciting…which places?”

“My parents are in Washington, DC.  I went to school in New York, and I’ve spent the last two years splitting my time between New York City, Chicago, and Las Vegas.”

They always hone in on Vegas.  Why do I even say it?  This guy has two dozen cousins in New York, a grandmother and an aunt  in Chicago, and has never gambled in his life.  But, invariably, I know what’s coming.

“Wowww, Las Vegas.  What’s in Las Vegas?  Business or pleasure?”

I really can’t deny it.  I now consider Las Vegas one of my homes.  Having spent each of the past three summers in Las Vegas, with an additional four or five trips to the city annually, I feel like a local.  I prefer many of the off-strip restaurants.  I prefer the smaller casinos intended for local residents instead of tourists.  I know the layout of the city – from Sahara to Desert Inn, to Maryland and Eastern…the airport intersects at Russell.

In my new life as a student at an ultra-orthodox Yeshiva in Jerusalem, I’ve largely managed to evade the personal questions about my life.  No one here knows about my poker prowess.  I’ve let on to a few people that I play poker, that I’ve worked in the gambling industry – but I just want to be a normal kid on a journey of self-awareness.  I don’t want to be defined as “that poker kid.”

Inevitably, someone will Google my name.  Someone will find this blog.  I’m not hiding anything.  Hell, I miss talking about poker every day.  But I’m also curious to see how I’m received as a normal boy, as Ezra.  How people engage with me, unaware that I’ve won and lost their annual salary many times over.

Today, I happened to be holding something that referenced an online poker room.  The student next to me asked if I played online poker.  “A little, why?”  Oh nothing much.  “My friend is really good – he made two thousand dollars online.”

I chuckled a little inside. 

Yet, despite my attempts to project a new person, I may be failing.  I am having trouble connecting to most of the students here.  And I wonder if it might be because no one actually knows who I am.  Poker has been such a major element of my life over the past four years that to suggest its involvement is merely “a little” is really doing a disservice to anyone trying to get to know the real me.

Perhaps the real me isn’t a “normal kid.”  Is it even possible to be normal?  Poker is so ingrained in my being that it affects the way I see the world.  It affects my perceptions of money, it affects the way I see people, friends, combatants, the future.  It affects the way I think.

I don’t really have a plan moving forward.  All I can admit is that I’m really proud of who I am.  I'm proud of how I think.  And how I see the world.  And hopefully the people around me, when given more intimate information, will respect me for it too.

Love,
Ezra Moses

I've often wondered about my parent's take on the whole poker lifestyle.  This weekend's New York Times Sunday Magazine offers some insight, in a piece written by Lucy Ferriss entitled "My Son's Gamble."

I think that Professor Ferriss' piece is one of the most heart wrenching stories ever written about poker, far more so than Martha Frankel's "Hats and Eyeglasses."  In this Sunday's piece, Ferriss admits to hacking into her son's virtual poker accounts, changing his passwords, and ultimately coming to terms with his vocational desires.

The article got me thinking deeply about my own parents' struggle with the world of online poker.  I detailed extensively in "How Poker Saved My Life" why I'm thankful for the journey that poker has afforded me.  But at the same time, my parents were rarely privvy to my emotional growth.  In their minds, my NYU education had yielded me a lifestyle of card playing.  And while they were impressed when my salary surpassed theirs, I have to imagine they continue to wonder what I'd be capable of if I focused my energies towards social entrepreneurship, charitable endeavors, or other social good.  I know that they've come to terms with my short term goals - but do they still worry about my long-term future?

And, even more so, what were those first two years like for them?  When I chose not to enter the work force after graduating college - choosing instead a lifestyle of professional poker.  They never doubted my ability to win.  But I wonder if they doubted my abilited to think properly.  How could a boy with so much potential for good dedicate his life to a game of cards?  Does one have an obligation to social good?  I have mixed feelings.  But, more specifically, do I have an obligation to social good?  Absolutely.  And, if I have one lasting regret, it's that my grandfather passed away in June of 2008, before I was able to fully showcase my full arsenal of talents.   

On the Two Plus Two forums, Professor Ferriss has received considerable criticism.  I'm sympathetic to both sides of the story.  While my parents never succumbed to an invasion of my privacy, I have to imagine they secretly wondered if I wasn't losing grip with my own sanity.  And while my parents treated my lifestyle choice with a great deal of respect, Ferriss was a single mother - watching her connection with her son slip away at a lightening pace.  Thinking back even to 2007, I can recall on several occasions my father coming downstairs at 6:30 AM only to meet me still grinding, ten hours later, after five figure losses.  What could have possibly been going through his head?  Was his son out of control?  I can only imagine how worried he must've been.  I don't blame Ms. Ferriss.  And I don't think any young adult can be fully cognizant of the struggle our parents go through when faced with the reality of poker. 

As we continue to grow up, mature and develop, I hope that we continue to be extraordinarily appreciative of those parents who've given us the space, independence, and freedom to venture out on our own journeys.  While I'm confident that in ten years, very few of our lives will continue to be consumed by the game of poker, I know that the experiences we've had in this world will stay with us forever.

Till next time,
Ezra Moses

I have never considered myself a professional poker player.  Even after college when my sole source of income for a year was poker, I always considered myself semi-professional.  Was I really good enough to consider myself a professional?  For the past two years, as I performed my duties for CardRunners, it was a non-issue: I was Director of Marketing.  But since May 1st, I've had no job - I'm not a student again until June 21st, and despite May being my worst poker month of 2009, I keep wondering what I am?  Is it possible that for 7 whole weeks, I played poker professionally?

I've been thinking about this because of how much fun I've been having out in Vegas.  I am loving the lifestyle, hanging out with my friends all day, going out at night, talking poker, thinking poker, etc.  There are so many aspects of the poker world that I find utterly repulsive (I think many of the younger players do) but this summer at the World Series of Poker is just so much fun.  Everyone seems happy, we're all bonding, and it just feels like one large warm community.  I wish I could describe it better - I know that many of my friends, including myself, were dreading coming out to Vegas again this summer, and we're all shocked at how much we're enjoying our time out here.  Learning to appreciate our lives, the impressiveness of what we're accomplishing out here, and the opportunities in front of us. 

In one sense, poker is this small little niche world, largely irrelevant to any other functions of the world.  Yet, at the same time, it is fascinating, intriguing, and unforgettable.  I've been talking to Taylor a lot lately about how we'll look back at this period of our lives when we're in our sixties.  I suspect we'll smile, and remember these times with a warm nostalgia.

So two more things of interest:

1. Right now I'm 35,000 feet above ground, typing from in-flight WiFi on a Virgin America flight from Las Vegas to NYC (I'm heading home for 3 days for some family issues).  I am shocked at how good the wireless is.  I played some poker and made $2,500 (thanks Virgin!) and the internet has only been disrupted once.  It's extremely impressive, and I've been able to e-mail, IM and more.

2. Last night Taylor and I made our first appearance on "Two Months, Two Million" the reality show that Whitelime, Krantz, Ansky, and Flawless are filming.  It was a small party at the Playboy Club at the Palms, and it was a pretty good time overall.  It was really interesting to watch them outline the story, talk with the producers, and see how everything came together.  Taylor and I made a pretty conscious decision not to drink too much so that we didn't end up doing something stupid on camera (yeah, we're lame like that...)  I did lose $100 to freakin Joe Tall betting on Whitelime's weight - I thought he'd been working out everyday and was putting on some muscle, but I over-estimated things :(

Anyways, here's a still of Emil (whitelime) in the pink shirt smiling for the cameras:



Till I land,
Ezra

The past few days of the trip have gone much better than the first week.  I got myself stuck about $15k in the first couple of days out here, but have turned it around pretty nicely and am now up for the trip!  yay :)

I think a large part of this has to do with finally being situated in the CardRunners house (pics to follow), surrounded by brilliant poker minds, and in a comfortable atmosphere.  Earlier in the trip, I'd been staying alone or crashing in people's spare beds at Bellagio, and I just don't think it was very good for my stability.  It left me feeling somewhat in limbo all of the time, and I don't think that helped my poker game.

Overall, I just wasn't making many hands, so I was getting way too aggressive in a lot of spots.  For example, if I raised 76 and flopped 753, I'd be playing for stacks against aggressive players.  This is a pretty tragic mistake against good players, but I think I was just a bit frusterated at never flopping anything decent, and was just going all-in anytime I picked up a decent piece.  Now that I'm starting to find my groove again, I'm playing much more confidently and smarter.  For example, against tricky, tough players, I'm doing things like checking back overpairs on flopped coordinated boards, for example: 78T, with a flush draw - to reduce variance and also make me more difficult to play against.  I always get creative when I'm playing well, but when I'm losing, I'm bet/shipping queens on that some board (which isn't horrible) but increases variance for sure, since you're rarely better than 50/50.

I played the $1k WSOP event on Monday, quickly ran up a big stack, and then ran into aces twice, and AK once to go out.  I would love to play more events, but couldn't this week, because I'm flying to NYC for the weekend for my grandmother's memorial service, so it wouldn't make sense to start an event that I couldn't finish :)

I've also been playing the $5/$10 live cash games at the Rio.  They are pretty good overall, but I think there's just so much more value to playing online.  Now that I'm on a bit of a heater, I might start playing the $10/$25 games and see how I fare.  My issue is that just can't imagine that I can make more than $250/hr in the live $5/$10 games.  It's probably closer to $125-150/hour.  Yes, there are some huge droolers playing live poker, but there are also generally 3-4 tough internet kids who typically steal a lot of pots - it's just tough because you need to play a lot looser in live games to get in as many pots with the poor players as possible.  But because the other tough players are doing the same, it makes it basically impossible to pick up these pots when you miss.  Meh. 

I decided that since the $1k event was just a total scene, I was going to add to the excitement by busting out some sunglasses.  I stole these glasses from Nutedawg on St Patricks Day - I bet he's been wondering where they went :)