CARDRUNNERS

There has actually been some pretty good debate being generated by the CardRunners blog network.  In particular, I wanted to post my response to Balbomb's latest blog entry, found at: http://blogs.cardrunners.com/balbomb

I think the problem with posts like his is that they come off as so hateful and vengeful, that no one in the liberal camp will take him at all seriously, even when he might have legitimate points.  This is part of the problem with our current partisan nature.  The level of hatred, rather than tempered respect, is dividing us apart.  

My comment goes like this:

Balbomb-

You are entitled to your opinion. But the beauty of this election, which you cannot deny, is that you are currently in the minority. This is fine. There's nothing wrong with an unpopular belief. But this country, which you very vocally state is the greatest in the world (and I agree!), has, at both the national and electoral level, chosen its new President. So for you to be in "disgust" over the legitimate, electoral/majority opinion implies that you are disgusted with the forumla of our democracy.

As for the final question you responded to, I just have to say that I think your response is extremely unfair. After 9/11 countries around the world did NOT rejoice. There were a handful of Middle Eastern, terrorist nations that displayed a disgusting level of hatred and gratification that Americans had been killed. But countries around the world expressed their sympathies, condolences, and love for the USA. George Bush had an opportunity to cultivate those sentiments into something larger. He chose to use their sympathies as an opportunity to form a multi-national force to invade Afghanistan and later Iraq. He was the President, that's his right. But in doing so, by immediately focusing on war and revenge, rather than love, he violated very natural human emotions. And that is why public sentiment abroad began to turn.

The reason countries around the world are rejoicing is NOT because the USA is now an easy terrorist target. They're rejoicing, because in Obama they see a later who cares for the good of the world, not solely the good of the country. And while I agree with you that the USA is an exceptional country, our success hinges on the world's success. And the world's success hinges on ours. They are, at every level, inextricably connected.

Lastly, you should know that as a religious Jew, I took a lot of heat for leaning Obama in this election circle. Why? Because many in my religious circles share your concern that a vote for Obama is a cart blanche for Iran to develop nukes and bomb Israel.

I am of the (perhaps naive) opinion that war, sanctions, and preventive measures can only last so long if people truly hate you. But, if we're able to end the hate, then we simultaneously squash the danger. My opinion is that Obama, through his policies and concern for the world stage, is going to do wonders to lessen the level of hate around the globe for America.

They are two different appraoches, and two different opinions. You are entitled to yours. But this country, this democracy, and the electoral college of its founders -- who you so pridefully support -- have mandated a change in our approach.

Best regards,
Ezra Galston

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In other news, I'm going to be away for the weekend, so I won't be able to discuss much in my blog.  But don't worry -- I'll be back in full force next week, and have some exciting blog entries to discuss with you all :)

Loving life,
Ezra moses

It was only two weeks ago, home for my parents anniversary party, that I sat on the living room couch watching my father shake his head and mutter "eight wasted years."

And I vividly remember eight years ago.  My father and his politico buddies running around Amitai Etzioni's upscale Washington apartment with notepads, and pencils frantically analyzing the exit polling.  Then, breathing a huge sigh of relief when Florida was called for Gore -- that was the make or break state.  It was over.  And I will never forget staying awake until 4am, waiting for something to change.  And the following day at school, walking around with a radio and headphones.  Listening during classes for the latest legal and polling updates.  Surprisingly, no teachers objected.  Our future was at stake.

Which makes it all the more amazing how intense this election is. 

Myself, Taylor, and Melissa headed down to Grant Park tonight for Obama's acceptance speech.  I don't think I can describe how special it was.  Hundreds of thousands of people cheering, singing, and chanting.  All bonding together over a sense of hope, and encouragement.  Energized by the knowledge that we were on the verge of history, of actual change.  Taylor and I spoke a little bit about whether we should actually expect tangible change.  Which is part of the problem in itself.  American Politics have degraded so significantly that even with an election of a new President, the most powerful man in the world, many people question if anything will actually change.  That is not the way this country should work.  And it's one of the things that Obama will change.  With Obama, we have a President who is fair, understanding, and worldly.  It is true that he has an agenda, everyone does.  But what inspires us all, is that he's able to listen and speak honestly.  I would rather a President who makes mistakes, understands them, explains them to the public, and vows to improve rather than a President who might have accomplishments but doesn't understand the fundamental reasoning behind those achievements.  Because those are not true successes, they're just variance, luck.  I'm glad that we have Barack Obama as the 44th President of the United States.

But back to tonight...simply wow.  There can't possibly be a better city in the world to live in right now.  Chicago is magical tonight.  People running through the streets, ecstatic, relieved.  The world changed in an instant tonight.  In Grant Park, knowing that at 10pm the polls would close in California and the election would be called for Obama, we counted down to the moment, just like at New Years: 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.  And the analogy is applicable.  Like New Years, this is a rebirth for our country.  A re-energizing of goals, and understanding.  An opportunity for America to focus on issues rather than sex scandals and appearances.  George Bush, both by his policies and personality, turned the highest office in the world into an absolute cariacture.  Barack Obama redefined the electoral map tonight winning Ohio, Colorado, Florida, Nevada and likely pulling North Carolina, Missouri and Montana as well.  This is how change happens.  When people come together, pulled together by love, hope and opportunity rather than fear.

Tonight was such a special night.  A unique, once in a lifetime event.  History redefined before my youthful eyes.  I could physically feel the building cynciscm that has suffocated me over the past couple of months begin to wash away, replaced by idealism brimming with hope.  Yet even at it's finest moment, I couldn't help but wonder how much more electric it might have been, if I'd been able to intimately share it all.

Love,
Ezra Moses   

Tuesday is an extraordinarily important day here in the United States.  And I must admit that I've been watching a lot of election coverage on TV as well as following Nate Silver's blog over at www.fivethirtyeight.com.  Several months ago, I posted about how during the craziness that was the World Series of Poker, David Benefield turned to me and said "this is just so silly."  And I've felt the same way about a lot of the politics, negative ads, and negative campaigns coming from both mainstream parties during this election cycle.  I almost wanted to scream out "What are you doing?!  You are making yourself look so foolish!"  Which is why, when I saw the following segment of Colin Powell on Meet The Press, I was brought to tears:

There is something so quietly beautiful and elegant about what Powell presents here.  How caught up we are in all the scandals -- who spent what on clothing, why did she change her lipstick, why doesn't he wear a flagpin.  It is incredibly stupid and it degrades the critical analysis, necessary for an election of this importance.  Anyways, I had tears rolling out of my eyes after this clip.  And it made me so incredibly proud to have voter early, and cast my ballot for Barack Obama.  I've heard many of the arguments against him -- inexperience, weak on foreign policy, etc.  They all have merit.  But as Powell noted, some people have an inexplicable, inspirational aura around them.  Barack is one of those people.  Only time will tell if the world's perception of American will change should he be elected, but I am willing to be wrong.  And in this case I used my best judgement, and if I'm wrong, I, like many other Americans, will deal with the consequences.

In some other news, I wrote in my last blog post about my parents' 40th anniversary party, so I wanted to post some pictures. 

Here's me giving a speech with my father:


And here's my mommy giving me a kiss (I'm such a mamas boy):


Anyways...I also wanted to give a good friend a plug of considerable importance.  My very close friend (and poker mentor) Eric Kesselman created a board/card game called Reels & Deals: The Movie-Making Game.  If you're a CR member, you should know that Eric is also good friend of Taylor, Stinger and Raptors, so he's got some street cred :)

I helped him develop and beta-test the game and it's actually a lot of fun.  If you live in a dorm room, or want to play it with your family it's good natured fun, games take less than an hour, and there's actually a lot of strategy.  Here's a former Magic:The Gathering player, so he knows his card games.

Here's a link to his website: www.agmangames.com as well as a review of the game: http://www.thetoymanonline.com/product_review3.html?p=Reels%20&%20Deals%20-%20The%20Movie-Making%20Card%20Game

Be sure you pick up a copy and holla back.

Anyways, I guess I'll sign off pretty soon.  It was nice to have a laid back weekend in Chicago after spending last weekend in the fast paced Las Vegas.  As you may be aware, CardRunners was out in Vegas to film Poker After Dark.  Taylor, Cole, and Raptor were all invited to play, and it's going to be a really entertaining week of poker television with lots of good table banter.  But yea, I'm glad to be out of Vegas, and it's nice to be lying on my couch, doing some cooking, and reading all weekend. 

Keep it reals.  Oh, and yea :) CardRunners is TRULY FREE!!!  www.trulyfreepokertraining.com. 

Holla back,
Ezra Moses

I miss all of you out into the blogosphere.  I wish I were a better blogger, but it simply is never going to happen.  So, just wait until my "Last updated" box clicks forward and know that you're gonna get something good.

So I guess I'll recap my last 3-4 weeks for everyone.

London

I am not a fan of Londontown, but even I have to admit to having a pretty good time this year.  Brian and I were in a pretty nice hotel (not the same room, eww) and close to the Empire Casino where the WSOPE was going down.  I was really proud of Brian who played really well and never gave up, even when short-stacked in the $20,000 WSOPE Main Event.  I basically spent the tournament working, e-mailing, schmoozing, and having some drinks.

I was also offered a freeroll into the $20,000 Main Event.  I didn't ask for it, and could not have been more surprised when it was offered.  It was the most freakish, unlikely set of events that set the offer in motion.  I mean how many of us have had someone come up to them and say "Hey Ezra, how'd you like a freeroll into the WSOPE Main Event?"  I turned it down for a number of personal reasons, but mostly because it conflicted with the Jewish holiday of Rosh Hashanah.  It's the Jewish new year, and we see it the anniversary of God creating Adam...it's a time of re-energizing and re-inspiring oneself.  And I know it sounds silly to all you non-Jews, heck I feel like a religious freak even writing this, but I'll keep it simple: it was more important to me than playing in a poker tournament.

And outside of religious services, and sweating Brian, I hung out with my good friends Nick Wealthall and Kara Scott, and ate good food.  Nick and Kara are really good, honest, compassionate people, and I am fortunate to have them as friends.  I would've been bored out of my mind in London without them, so I appreciate that too :)

New Haven

Instead of flying back to Chicago, I flew straight to New Haven from London for my grandfather's memorial service where I was set to give one of the eulogies.  This is one of the harder things I've had to write in my life (emotionally), but in the middle of my plane ride while I was just watching movies the entire speech just came to me.  It was unbelievable.  I literally just started thinking about what I was going to say, and I had an entire outline in my head nearly instantaneously.  As I've written before, I was very close to my grandfather who passed away while I was in Vegas this summer for the WSOP.  When I heard his situation had worsened, I immediately booked a flight home for 6am the next morning.  But he died at 4:45AM, and I missed holding his hand by less than 12 hours.  I will never forgive myself for not making him a bigger priority, because he never made the same mistake with me.

Here's a passage from what I wrote:

One of the things I admired most about my grandfather were his priorities.  He managed an illustrious career, full of discovery, ambition and success.  During that time, he helped raise two children through a war, and numerous moves.  He gave his full attention to his wife.  He gave his full attention to his friends, never forgetting any.  He was always welcoming to guests and to foreigners into his home, and – I can say from experience – he doted on his grandson.  The essence of my grandfather's being was to undermine the very concept of priorities.  He understood that each of these pieces required the highest level of dedication.  He understood that each of these pieces of his family, his affection, and his labor required quality time.  And so he gave it.  Thereby setting an example for my father which he has passed along to me.  His life should stand as an example to all of us in our fast paced, latte driven, jet-setting world.  It's not about making time for X and Y.  It's about X and Y.  The time is there.  And my grandfather knew to give it.

Those words just resonate so deeply within me, and I'm glad I was able to honor him in this way.  I love you Grandpa Art.

Chicago

I then spent a couple of weeks in Chicago, doing what I do best -- in my role at CardRunners.  I've had some trouble making friends here, and I'm not totally sure what the issue is.  I think some fair part of it is my own conception of how long I'm here in Chicago, and I think that part of me feels like it's not worth the effort I'd have to put in to build a life here.  Except that I really like it here, and I want to stay.  But at the same time, so much is missing.  And I miss Shira a lot.

So I've been going to the gym a lot, getting really good at cooking (I made the best Salmon I've ever made last night), and doing a lot of reading.  I'm also becoming closer with a family that runs a Jewish program at Northwestern University named the Greenwalds, so I spent a weekend with them and their baby daughter and had a great time reading baby books, eating great food, and talking about life.  It felt really good to get away from a computer, and have some deep intellectual conversation.

But back to the daily grind in Chicago -- Taylor, Andrew, Kev, and Caroline are great people.  And it makes each day enjoyable to be in the same office with them, and bond with them.  It is such a dramatic improvement from working at home, and being alone for 9 hours during the day until my roommate came home.  It makes working that much more fun!

NYC/DC

This past weekend was my birthday weekend (I turned 24) so I flew to NYC to see some friends.  I flew in a night early to have dinner with this kid that I sponsor, Francisco, and his parents.  Basically, I help pay for his tuition to go to private school and am also always around to answer his questions, help with school, figure out the future, etc.  He's really an incredible kid, who's filled with energy and life.  He has two amazing, loving parents and I know that good things are going to happen to him.  He would be the first person in his family to go to college, and I know that he's going to make it.  I'm really excited to see how he develops (he's currently in 10th grade).

Then the next day was my birthday.  It was a pretty laid back birthday.  I did have a few too many drinks, and one of my best friends Emil (whitelime) came along for the ride.  It was also one of my best friend Whitney's birthdays so I just tagged along with her party.  We went to a few rando trendy dive bars (only in NYC) and way overpaid for drinks.  Emil was staying at 60 Thompson (made famous by the Rachel Zoe project....but no...I don't watch the show.......................) so I met him there and took the gloriousness that is 60 Thompson :)

But anyways, I had to wake up early the next morning becauseeeeeeeeeee I helped throw my parents a huge party for their 40th anniversary.  It was a huge deal and we had 60-70 guests in our house.  I took care of all the catering, and paid for it as a gift to them.  I also basically MC'd the night and arranged the toasts and events.  My father and I as a surprise to my mother flew down her favorite jazz musicians from Cape Cod.  It felt pretty badass to convince two musicians to cancel their existing gig, and hop on a plane just for us, but money speaks I guess :)

Everyone had an amazing time, and it was also a good networking opportunity for me.  All the head honchos from Brookings were there, as well as some Wash Post writers, and even some television personalities.  A lot of them hadn't seen me since I was a little kid, so it was good to show them that I was reasonably competent :)  I was shocked at how many questions about poker I got.  I honestly had people more successful than I will EVER be, guys who've been published in dozens of law reviews, etc etc, absolutely fascinated by my poker successes.  I also felt like they understood it.  No one said anything negative about poker.  They all just asked questions about what strategies I employed, and others asked about the legitimacy behind statements like "If you can't spot the mark at the table, you are the mark."  I found the whole experience pretty inspiring.  Over the past few years, I've taken a lot of criticism for my passion of poker and my decision to work in the poker industry.  To have people that I admire and respect, show a genuine interest in poker meant a lot to me, and I found it pretty inspiring as regards the legitimacy of our industry.  I can't wait until all this stuff is regulated/legalized, and we can move forward with what we do. 

But ultimately, the night was about my parents.  And they absolutely radiated, and my mother looked beautiful.  They are still so much in love and it is amazing.  I hope my marriage is able to mirror the happiness of theirs, and I will work hard to achieve that.

And now, I'm back in Chicago.  Hard at work.  Even though I leave on Thursday morning for Vegas.  I'm still burnt out from this summer in Vegas, but I am staying at the Wynn so it's not all bad :)

Hope you're all well.

Ezra 

At this summer's Olympics game, many Americans found a lot of pride in watching Michael Phelps win 8 Gold medals.  The impressive run taught many important lessons: virtues of an extraordinary work ethic, dedication, and humility just to name a few.  One can only assume that Phelps inspired millions of young Americans to pursue their dreams, and to strive to be the best.

Phelps had a strong effect on me as well.  And learning about his training, work ethic, and body taught me another, equally as important lesson.  Namely, if you exercise heavily and build your metabolism, your body requires far more calories as fuel.  Now I found this pretty attractive as I LOVE to eat.  Obviously I'd learned in health classes in high school that higher metabolisms burn more calories.  But I hadn't understand the extent to how we're able to manipulate our bodies.

Here's the point: Michael Phelps consumes 12,000 calories every single day.

Twelve thousand.  I probably consume 2,500.  **drool**.  If I I had his body, I could eat 5-6x more without gaining any weight.  **drool**.

SO - I made it a goal to start working out more, so I could eat more.  I love food, and I love eating.  Since moving to Chicago, I've been hitting the gym nearly every day.  Putting in 30 minutes on the eliptical, lifting, crunches, pushups, and then 15-20 minutes of playing basketball.  I feel super active, have tons of energy, and wake up every morning and jump out of bed like a lion!

But, I'm not able to eat more.  In fact, I feel like I'm consuming far less :(  When I come home from the gym, I feel unbelievably ravenous.  But after quite a small portion, I feel completely full :(  I'd appreciate if someone who's into fitness can explain this to me.  It seems to me like my stomach is actually shrinking!!  I'm sure this is a net positive, because I'm likely to lose weight, feel more attractive, more confident, etc etc, but yea...I don't care...I just want to be able to eat more.  12,000 calories!!  That is 20 Subway Foot Longs per day.  Drooooooooooooooool.

Anyways, could someone maybe explain this to me, as well as what I'm doing wrong?  I understand that Phelps trains for six hours per day, and my routine is not even close to being on par with his.  But I assumed that adding 60-90 minutes per day of exercise would allow me to add 500-1000 calories in my diet.  This appears not to be the case :(

On to other things...I'm about to take off London where I'll be for the next week.  I'll then spend next weekend in New York City before retuning to Chicago.  As much as I dislike the city of London, the World Series Europe was a really fun time last year, and I'm looking forward to hanging out with everyone in Europe, Townsend, Cole, Raptor, Timex, and more.  Should be short and sweet :)

As to poker, well I'm having issues.  Given that I'm trying to shift my entire life away from money, I'm having trouble caring about it on the felt.  This has both positive and negative consequences as you might imagine.  It's been beneficial in some ways -- trying new things, not caring about losing...but not caring about losing can also be disastrous.  I need to find a way to compromise the two desires: wanting to not be consumed by money while also earning enough to provide myself freedom and security.

More from London...

<3,

Ezra

It's been an interesting day for sure, my kiddies.  First McCain suspends his campaign, claims to be immediately hopping on a flight back to DC, calls David Letterman to cancel his appearance on "Late Night" and tells Dave that the economy is about to "explode" and that he's got to rush to DC, instead does the CBS Nightly News with Katie Couric during the timeslot he was supposed to be filming Letterman, and punditry jokes ensue.

Even if I were entirely unbiased, and I'm most certainly not, this is a really sad day in the state of the 2008 Presidential campaign.  Whether this is a creative ploy by McCain, an honest and heartfelt measure, or the McCain's campaigns concerns to appear politically correct and sensitive to all issues, it doesn't even matter.  What matters is that this is real life and the economy is a real issue.  And I don't think any Americans would begrudge John McCain for travelling to their towns, and discussing his plans with them.  FOR WHAT IT'S WORTH, I spoke with my father who told me that there actually is some importance in McCain returning to DC.  Because of his outspoken opposition to the bailout, Republican Congressmen/Senators are apparently very hesitant to vote for the legislation, as they don't want to be in conflict with their party's candidate for President.  A lot of DC insiders are hoping that McCain will come to Congress to offer his support, and reassure Republican Congress that it's okay to support this bill.  But even if that is the case, McCain should be honest and tell it like it is.  instead of inciting fear and telling Americans that the economy is about to "explode," just open up the straight talk express, and say "There's a stonewall in DC, because my party has heard my vocal opposition to the bailout.  I have a lot of good ideas, so I'm returning to Congress to outline my plan so I can LEAD a bi-partisan resolution."  If some candidate could actually just tell like it is, that would be so refreshing.

But that brings me to my next point.  I talked about a number of pretty heavy issues today with my friend Yoni, one of which was political correctness.  Here's how it came up: We were discussing the differences between "good" and "nice."  Imagine this.  There's a charming man in your neighborhood, who is always smiling, bringing over housewarming gifts, inviting neighbors over for dinner, etc.  He is so "nice," in fact, that every married woman in the neighborhood is charmed by him and wishes they could sleep with him.  And so he does.  He sleeps with them all.  5 women, 10 women, 15 women, even 1 woman.  Doesn't matter.  This man might be the "nicest" man in the world.  But he is not "good."  Alternately, in that same neighborhood, you might have an introverted, seemingly angry person who rarely communicates any charm with his community.  But if he sees a kid fall off his bike, he rushes off his porch to make sure the kid's alright.  If he sees someone struggling with groceries, he helps them out.  So even if this person appears sour 99.9% of the time, he is still "good."  And being intrinsically good is more important than being nice.  Actions matter more than intent.

And so it applies to political correctness.  In our first case, being "nice," was effectively hiding our adulterer's true nature -- which was bad.  Political correctness in America basically amounts to hiding one's true feelings.  People are so scared to say the wrong thing, that they end up saying nothing at all.  Truth, as it would be, is never fully fleshed out, because we're too scared to address the real issues.  One of the examples we discussed was Sascha Baron Cohen's rendition of "Throw The Jew Down the Well" during the second season of Ali G/Borat.  The skit is eerily poignant, yet also hysterical.  Why?  Because it shows the true colors of this small, Southern community, and how utterly ignorant they are.  But without this skit, the truth never comes out.  Yes, in this case, the truth was a negative, but there are plenty of positive, constructive situations we could benefit from if people actually spoke honestly and were not perpetually hiding their true feelings.  How did we get to a point where offending someone, by stating your opinion, is your largest concern?  I think in some respects, it's because Americans are incapable of accepting consequences for their actions (walk into traffic, sue the driver.  spill coffee on yourself, sue the restaurant).  And so they're scared of saying the wrong thing, being incapable of handling the consequences of someone disagreeing/being offended.  I say, deal with it.  Discuss your differences.  Resolve.  Learn.  But don't hide the truth away.  It degrades who we are.

I promised that I would write more about selfishness in this blog entry, but I think I've already written too much, so I'll save my thoughts on our increasing, subconscious, selfishness for next time.

Keep it real y'alls.  Oh, and if you're in London, drop me a line.  I'll be flying out on Friday.

<3,

Ezra

Fair enough.  But I refuse to let it make my life go round.

There is so much more to life, goals, pursuits, and development than money.  I am learning more about this every day.  I openly and willing concede that I am incredibly spoiled.  I grew up in an upper middle class family, and have been extremely financially successful at the tender age of 23.  But that doesn't change the fundamentals.  Money is important, integral for survival, in fact.  But it should not dictate one's life.

I had an interesting discussion with a Rabbi a couple weeks ago about the upcoming election.  He is supporting McCain (and while I obviously disagree heavily with that decision) his rationale was that the economy didn't matter to him.  If taxes rose or fell by three percentage points, would it really affect his life much?  If gas rose by another $1, would it actually cause him that much hardship?  If the market tumbled, and he returned 2% on his savings instead of 8%, would that impact the way he treated his children or cared for his wife?  The answer was no.  He was concerned only with foreign policy and security, an issue which he believed McCain to be superior on.

I disagree with his conclusions on whom to elect, but feel like his thought process was noble. (Sidenote: the events of last week have proven that there may actually be immediate, dire, consequences of poor economic policy.  Bernake apparently told Congress that the United States was in close danger of crumbling financially...)  The truth of the matter is that lower taxes, or higher income truly would not change my life very much.  I remember getting all excited about moving to Chicago, because I would save 8% on taxes.  That's a fair chunk of change, but when it comes down to it...do I really care?  Sure, at the end of the year, I'll be happy I have an extra $10k or whatever, but it WILL NOT directly affect my day to day life.

This is the point where everyone provides anecdotal evidence of people working three jobs, living in slums, misery, etc.  Yes, yes, yes.  It is statistically proven (and I know this, because I spent four years of college on it) that human beings need a base level of income before they can be happy/content.  And, yes, it is true that base level is relative to country and surroundings.  But you would be shocked at how low the base level really is.  There is NO linear relationship between higher incomes and increased happiness.  In fact, and this blows the mind, there is in many cases an inverse relationship between rising incomes and happiness.

I worry that the typical CR member grows confused by the rising number of CR Pros and bloggers becoming disillusioned with the pursuit of wealth.  After all, poker, in addition to being a truly pure form of competion, is a pursuit of wealth.  But it should be incredibly telling how many young poker players, having made their millions, or half millions, or even fifty grand are becoming saddenned by this single minded pursuit.  It should be even more telling that in these discussions on forums like Two Plus Two, the few remaining holdouts who claim that they are rich, therefore they are happy and superior, are ridiculed heavily.  Ridiculed by the same people, who up until recently shared their same beliefs.

I am not addicted to poker, but I have for some time been addicted to money.  I don't know how it started, so I'll generously blame it on a materialistic, hedonistic society.  And it so darn sad.  Sometimes I feel like the past three years of my life, years I'll refer to as the "poker years," have just been an absolute blur.  I wonder what more I'd have accomplished if I hadn't found poker.  That's not to say I haven't grown a lot or met fantastic people, but I wonder if I might have helped dozens of people.  Whereas, now, all I can say is that I've helped myself.

I think this is the point where people stop reading blogs, because they're too long and winded.  But I do suggest that you start thinking about the role of selfishness in your life.  I've only recently started investigated it closely, but I am shocked at how many selfish decisions I've made -- especially given that I've always felt like a fair, giving person.  I think I'll leave it there and pick up next time on the idea of selfishness, because it can go in so many different directions.  So many people think that selfishness only refers to making an active decision to do X or Y, but it can also refer to avoiding that decision, or not taking the time to assess the true nature of the situation. 

Lastly, last night I quit really good poker games to read a book.  And it felt so good.  And it seems so depressing that I can't remember that last time I put a book over a fish at the tables.  It's something I'm glad I'm working on.

Ezra

Oh my, oh my, it’s been a while since I’ve hit the blogisphere. It’s been a tough six weeks for me. My girlfriend returned to Jersusalem and I won’t see her for five months. There’s a whole lot more sadness here, but let me put it this way. I rarely have regrets about the way I live my life. And I have no regrets about my relationship. But I often wonder if I have taken a lot of constants for granted, assumed I would always feel loved, assumed there would always be a loved one to lend an ear. You really can’t take these things for granted. It’s pretty natural as a guy to want some space, hang out with your friends, even wonder why she talks so much. Don’t confuse those temporary needs, however, for your greater desires. 

For the past several months, I have been craving, craving alone time. The reason? I've had so little. I travel a ton, often for business and often with people so I'm used to a lack of privacy. Cue the World Series of Poker. From May 25th through July 15th, I lived in a variety of homes always filled with a myriad of people. Don't get me wrong...these were all great guys and I had a good time overall. But I was never alone. There was never any solitude.

After Vegas, I basically instantly ran off to Jerusalem which included two 10-hour flights, staying at a relatives condo in the city, classes everyday, running from area to area, catching buses, making dinner plans, scrounging to find a wifi signal, stress, craziness, etc.

I then flew straight from Jerusalem to Seattle for my girlfriend's cousins bar mitzvah. Another pair of 8-hour flights, tons of family, parties, food and smiling. Again, good times. But no down time.

Even on Block Island, I am surrounded by close friends whom I've known for 20 years. They are my effective second family and I love them all. But sometimes you just want to be alone. So today, everyone is gone. The weeks here work Sunday to Sunday, so by tonight all my friends had left the island. I decided to stay until Tuesday to catch up on some work, relax, do some thinking and writing and enjoy just being by myself.

But, after 3 months of racing around every moment, I am finding solitude and silence really uncomfortable. And that makes me sad. I went out to a bar by myself and had a few drinks. I followed that up with a dinner right on the ocean. And I walked off dinner by taking a stroll out on the beach for half an hour immersed in my thoughts and clarifying some ideas. But the one thought I couldn't shake? Why am I alone when I enjoy being around people so much more?

There's this whole grass is greener on the other side philosophy which I sorta want to reference here except that I don't think it's applicable. I think this is more a consequence of always feeling needed, always feeling obligation and responsibility. And sometimes you just want to rid yourself of those burdens. But doing so can also make you feel naked, like I feel right now. Yes, I have still work obligations, but I don't need to worry about dinner plans or keeping someone entertained. I only need to worry about myself.

Is this really selfish of me to desire this? I had a talk with my girlfriend tonight and realized that I am wasting what amount to precious days with her as I'm moving to Chicago soon and won't see as much of her. Yet at the same time, I feel like if I ignore my desire for the occassional solitude and alone time, I will end up resenting whatever factors cause me to stay obligated to other activities. Who knows. I find the whole thing kinda confusing and am even more confused by how sad I feel being alone given that I've always been so good at entertaining myself and enjoying alone time.

Anyways, it is starting to pour here on the island and I'm actually a bit nervous of a power surge as the lightning is lighting up the sky. Normally the storms pass by the island and we stay sunny, but this one is serious storm. I'm gonna shut down the computer (or at a minimum go on battery). Sorry if this post was emo and long, but it;s just what I've been thinking about.

<3 <3

Ezra